throwing a pitty party for one!

This morning I was so anxious to speak to Kathy and get results from my BW yesterday, she said she would call me by 2, i called her at 11:30 and she said "it's either really early on, or its residual HCG from the previous pregnancy, come in at 9am tomorrow to draw more blood and I'll let you know by 4pm."
Call me crazy but I've never been the optimistic type, I like to consider myself...realistic, i hope for the best but always prepare for the worst. Tack on to that that i am a planner by nature, i mean i make itineraries of what my itinerary should be! I made a spreadsheet for our Disney vacation! VACATION PEOPLE!!!!!
Anyway i totally forgot to ask her what the first beta # was so couldn't tell ya, but I'll find out tomorrow.
I tried to find some comfort with the PL girls and one suggested i take the other FRER to compare if the line was getting darker...its not take a look:

the old test (2 nights ago) is on the top, tonight's is on the bottom
It seems lighter to me which I guess means this was residual after all, I'm sure they'll confirm tomorrow,
right now i am only curious to know if FRER get darker after sitting for a while (2 nights) and if the amount of urine that is used makes a difference in how dark the line would be ( i didn't have too much for this last test),
still I am holding on to a sliver of hope like pertilocka said "Stop driving yourself crazy. Those are only home pg tests. each test is not exactly the same. If you keep doing this it will drive you nuts. sticky baby dust to you and try to relax as much as you can"
and
april2005 said "Try not to stress! A line is a line, right? Mine got very dark a week later, so I wouldn't expect that you would see much difference within a day or so. The difference could depend on lots of things, like when you took the test, how concentrated the urine was, etc. Just try to relax until you can get bloodwork done. Good luck! :) "

I wanted to believe that my body would bounce back after the D&C, that AF would just show up, late but she would show within reasonable time frame no more than 40 days, i would start clomid and get pg shortly thereafter...now i am not so sure
Man i really tried being positive about this and praying that it was true, but seeing that lighter line on the FRER tonight just crushed me, secretly i was already planning and how great Christmas would be this year.
I have tears rolling down my face on how devastated i feel, i know nothing is certain yet and i won't know till tomorrow, but it just so happens tomorrow is also 6 weeks since my d&c and it just bring back so many bitter memories and emotions.
I thought I was getting better, now I'm just at a low point again.
why did i have to POAS, stupid FF telling me to test, i should have just left sleeping dogs to lie.
The worst part about this even if i wasn't pregnant again I can't help feeling like i keep letting Michael down, his smile was ear to ear this morning as he kissed me goodbye and patted my belly. It crushes me to no end to not be able to give him the 1 thing he desires, the one thing any man wants...a chance to make and see life grow.
now i am just pissed that its been almost 6 weeks and my farking body isn't mine anymore! I have to filled prescription of clomid staring mockingly at me, almost laughing like haha you can't use us!
I am just so devastated!