Made it through

Valentine's day will forever be bitter sweet for Michael & I. I've never been big on this "holiday" because honestly if you need one day for your significant other to express how much they care for you, then i'm sorry to break it to you but your relationship has problems. Yes its nice to go out to a nice dinner make a nice date out of it, what is lame is how commercialized it is. Its almost as if you don't do something or buy something then you don't love your partner as much as you say. Flowers are nice but again overrated, get me some chocolates instead.
Anyway our 1st date was on valentine's day 8 years ago, we celebrate it as a dating anniversary not really valentine's.
Until 3 years ago.
3 years ago at 2:45 i went to the bathroom to find that i was bleeding, well spotting bright red, which if you know anything about pregnancy bright red is never good. I called Michael crying and then called my OB who said to come in right away. I went to pick up D at the bus stop and the whole time in the car waiting i prayed, i begged, i made promises and swore i would do anything if only our baby was ok. i cried some more. D arrived i put on a happy face took him home and my in-laws came with me to the OB.
the waiting room was empty and i couldn't;t stop shaking, finally i was called in to the u/s room, my MIL came in with me and when Dr. F started the u/s i saw the screen and that beautiful flicker we had seen just last week was gone, he looked at me and just said "I'm sorry" my world crumbled.
its been 3 years and it still feels like it was yesterday. Friends have said oh but you have this amazing baby now. Yes I do and i thank God so much for him, but it doesn't take away the pain and the emptiness in my heart. I lost my baby and that would never change.
I tried to keep myself busy sunday and having Gabriel really id help, but i cried and i still mourn my baby. Not a day goes by that i don't think about all my losses, not a day goes by that i think of how old they would be right now.
I'm not living in the past, but unless you go through something as hard as the loss of a child you will never understand what its like. and yes i said child because although they were never born, they were still my children, i had dreams and hopes and plans for them. so yes my child.
I'm not trying to make this post be sad but it is my reality and it is how i feel about V-day and i just wanted to let it out.