Our world is upside down

SO begins my tale from a nightmare that i have yet to wake from, maybe I never will, but i have a 7 yo who needs me and who has been my only strength in trying to get through this hell we are living.

We found out we were finally blessed with a little peanut on Dec 26th 2007. I can't even beging to explain how overjoyed we were. We had been trying for 1 1/2 years to get here and after many consultations, tests,some painful procedures such as LEEP and discovering a left blocked tube...we were here!

We had an amazing NYE, planning and talking and just being happy. Not being able to drink wasn't even an issue, although i admit i missed my wine! but who cares, we were having a baby!

We left on jan 6, 2008 for 11 glorious days at Walt Disney World to celebrate my son's 7th birthday. We came back on thurdsay the 17th and the next day we had our first ultrasound.

All i can say about that is WOW! We saw our peanut bouncing all over the place and so strong! We both cried when we saw it, and hugged. The doctor said everyting looked great and off to the vampires (as my dad calls them) I went.














We had our next appointment scheduled for feb 13th.

Fast forward... My husband decided to take off the 11th because his dad had retired and his company was throwing him a party.We decided to change our appointment to that day since he was home, so he could come. We get to the office and patiently wait. We didn't have an u/s and the doctor couldn't find a HB, but i was only 10 1/2 weeks and he said it was normal NOT to hear it this early. I told him I had a brownish dicharge to which he said "its normal, you're probably just shedding old blood still, as long as its not bright red or there is no crampng its ok.... Alright you are the expert, besides like he said I had no cramps or anything alarming so home we went a bit dissappoinmted we couldn't see our peanut, but we would the next week at our NT scan.
We got ready for the party. We had such a good time, at this point pretty much everyone knew our good news and they all said how great I looked and how happy everyone was!
Fast forward to Thursday. It was our 6yr dating anniversary and although we had no special plans it had just been such a great day. I went in the afternoon to pick up my son from the bus stop and when I got home I went to the bathroom and saw what no pregnant woman wants to ever see... bright red blood on the toilet paper. I started trembling and called the doctor right away, the nurse said come in at 3:45 it was 3:15. I called my husband and told him and he said "no honey not the baby, come on you need to relax its ok just go with my parents and i'll be home as soon as I can"
Off we went to the doctor, and waited to be seen for what seemed an eternity. They had me empty my bladder, i wipped, no more blood, hey that's good right? some women bleed without anything being wrong right?

My mother in law went in the room with me and the doctor did an regular U/s, no movement, maybe he was sleeping? tears a re now rolling down my face. He switched and did an internal u/s ...isn't my baby supposed to be bouncing all over? why can't i see his heart fluttering? the doctor was mum, he just kept taking measurements. Finally he said "you were due on sept 3?"... yes... "which puts you at close to 11 weeks?"... yes...i am now shaking... "Vivian the baby measures 9 weeks, and there is no hearbeat"
I though he playing a cruel joke, then he gave me the tissue box and my world came crashing down.
I knew when i saw the screen something was wrong. My mother in law held my hand as i cried helplessly. My baby had died inside of me. what did i do wrong?

The office scheduled a D&C for the next morning. i numbly walked to the car trying to make sense of it all, then it hit me how do i tell michael?

He called on our way home and his first words were "honey tell me the baby is ok" I could only muster enough strength to say no and broke down again, his father took the phone.

I honestly don't remeber much more of that night or the next day except crying and filling out paper work and crying and then in the recovery room feeling so empty. They took my baby, I was empty again.

It was too early to know what it would have been, and although everyone wanted a girl, i keep calling our peanut him. Whatever it was its no longer inside me.

It has been almost a week since the horrible news and not a day has gone by that i don't break down. I try and not let michael see me, because i know he is in as much pain as i am, and he is trying to be strong for me. But being and only child i tend to deal with my pain alone... writting, crying, whatever it takes but alone.
Last night he told me he thinks i am shutting him out... I'm not i just feel numb.
The way he has been this last week, only proves to me even more why i fell in love with him in the first place. In one word he is just truly AMAZING.
We have talked about trying again, i am so scared its going to be naother year, that this nightmare will never go away, that i may not be happy IF i get pregnant again just based on the fear of having this happen all over again. I want to give my husband the joy of his firstborn because i know deep down he craves that, because i saw how happy he was every night he talked to our peanut and told him how he just wanted to hold him.
It breaks my heart to not be bale to give him that.
There are days that i blame myself, maybe i shouldn't have had that cup of coffee, or that sip of orange slushie at epcot, or that piece of chicken, maybe i should have quit working all together, maybe i pushed myself too much, perhaps, my body hates me so much that it did something to our baby and i killed it.
i hope he knows how much we wnated him and how blessed i was for those 9 weeks to have him growing inside me, making me feel worth something.
I think the other bad part about this is everyone i unfourtunatly have to talk to has some sort of story of somenone they know that had this happen to them and how they went on to have healthy babies aftre. I am sorry but i don't care about evryone else, i lost MY baby and nothing noone says or does is ever going to bring him back!
Don't tell me its going to be ok because its not! not right now maybe never, I may get on with my life or at least pretend to, but there is part of my heart and soul that is now and foever will be missing.
My said something to me that has helped albeit its cruel but she said "Nature is very harsh and survival of the fittest is iits motto, you have to know that something was wrong with the baby, we may never know for sure, but you have to know that he loved you both so much he made the choice to leave on his own and yes cause you pain now, instead of going full term and being born with a disabilty and possibly not surving long after. That would've been worse for you guys"
I see her point but isn't that my choice? as selfish as it sounds don't i have say?
I am not a religious person although i do believe,I am trying not be mad at God and today I'm not, I'm just trying to understand why he would give us this blessing only to yank away from us like this. I am trying to understand why a friend of mine has had several abortions and now is happily pregnant with a girl, why does it seem that the more pain you cause the better lcuk in life you have.
We are not bad people, we try to follow the rules and live day to day in peace, why did this happen to us?
As a final note please don't be offended by anything i have said, please try to understand i am trying to grieve, I am venting, I am broken.