just trying to get by

so this past week has been... horrible to say the least.
A very close friend of my husbands lost his battle to leukemia on Friday the 22nd, we went to his wake Sunday and it was tough for us, then as we are getting ready to leave a friend of his comes by with his wife making small talk asking how we all were and casually says "oh yeah we just had a baby on Monday" OK keep kicking me while i am down why don't ya!
Hey Jim you know how much you will be missed!
http://www.goalsmarketing.com/jimcolon
The funeral was Tuesday and being in the church broke me down even more, hearing the priest talk about loss and letting go. i held on to my husband but...damn it i want my baby back, i miss him so much! i miss turning in bed at night and giving my hubby a kiss and saying "babe we're having a baby" and just falling asleep planning, dreaming, hoping...
We went to eat afterwards and let me just say that while drowning yourself in a bottle helps, when that wears off the pain just rushes back and worse!
the innocence of being blissfully pregnant has been ripped from me. I will no longer have that joy of just being pregnant. next time every cramp and every pain will be cause for concern, every time i go to the bathroom, I will meticulously inspect the TP make sure there is no dreaded spotting or worse. it will never be the same!
I also had my post opp appointment yesterday and the doctor nonchalantly says to me "so how we doing you didn't get to depressed right it was early"
Are you f*cking kidding me! i just lost a baby, how dare you say this to me.
He also wants me to start clomid but i need to wait 2 cycles before i can do that.
So we are now in the process of looking for a new doctor, there are 2 possibly candidates, i just hate having to do this i wish it could be simple and easy.
Oh and to top it all off, we got a letter from the hospital saying our insurance approved me for either a c-section or vaginal delivery...yeay we're covered now if only i still had my baby.
as you can see this week has sucked, actually this whole month sucked!
I wish i could just wake up from this nightmare.
I finally started charting again, seems like my body is back on track, temps are all over the place but i guess its supposed to be that way for now.
Oh and i also consulted a psychic referred from the nest P&L board, i post her answer when i get them.
http://brooke777.angelfire.com
that's it for now...as if any more shit could go wrong this week....
shit i just jinx myself didn't I?