Happy New Year!!!

well almost. but its good enough for us! all i can say is thank GOD this year is over it seems like this magical thread is finally being cut from the year that has proven like no other to be just pure hell for us.
As 2008 comes to a close and we get ready to usher in 2009, we have been reflecting on a year full of joy and sorrow. I hate that we had to experience 4 lossess this year. Miscarriage is a terrible experience for women and their families. But if anything i can take positive of this year is how close those 4 losses brough my husband and I together.We now share such an amazing bond that even though we had a very real strong connection before, that made it basically unbreakable.

A new year is about to start, and with that comes fresh beginnings, promises we make to ourselves and/or others, and more. I pray 2009 is a wonderful year full of love, support, growth and abundance in every way for us and anyone who reads and/or follows our blog.

As we make the transition into 2009, we know that we are walking the road to healing and recovery- even when we don't realize it. The sadness, grief, hate and questioning we have felt after all our miscarriages are all part of the healing process, and although at times its extremely hard to understand that and that there are days when I feel like I'm getting nowhere, i have to believe , i have to hope, that we are. Each day brings with it the time necessary for healing. Even when we've had a day full of tears, i know we are making progress by experiencing our feelings and allowing them to come out.
This was such a great way to do it, constructive and safe way to do it, i honestly believe this blog is what kept me sane along with the girls at TTCAL, otherwise i know for a fact i would have sunk into a very deep depression. I have been contemplating talking to someone just because its good to do once in awhile but for now this is good enough.
so fellow internet happy new year and may 2009 bring us all many healthy babies and boring pregnancies.
love always
Viv

Merry Christmas

2008 has been a hard year and of late I feel I have very little to offer.

Christmas has come and is now on verge of leaving, and though it is a happy time for most of us I think it is important to acknowledge that not everyone can get caught up in the joy and festive spirit.

Personally Michael and I have had a dreadful year, 2 days before thanksgiving we lost our 4th pregnancy, yes a 4th miscarriage.

We also lost many other things this year, starting in January with his aunt Anne and it killed my husband that we could not be here for her service as were in disney celebrating Darren's birthday. how ironic to get that kind of news in the happiest place on earth. Michael's dear friend Jim Colon lost his battle to cancer and was buried on Feb 26th, just 2 weeks after our first loss. His father had major abdominal surgery over the summer,the list goes on and on about how bad this year has been, sufice to say it has hit hard.
Christmas is often when we miss our loved ones most as all families come together to spend time together. It will be different for us this year. We went to church this morning and although i was hesitant it was a lovely idea and a very healthy thing to go to for the mind, but also I feel it gave me a time to reflect and remember the 4 babies we have lost to miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy. Probably no-one else will think of it - but I will. I think of it often, all the time in fact. But I look forward to a day where I can acknowledge them in my own mind. I am not particularly religious, but I feel a comfort in a spiritual service.

Sorry to go on. I just want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, but also to say it's OK not to get caught up in the hype of the festivities. If you don't feel in the mood, then try to unwind and relax with some quiet time.

May 2009 be a peaceful year for us all.

Your health is everything. Keep life in perspective. Recognise the true definition of happiness and don't take it for granted. She's a beautiful day outside. Get on the front foot and enjoy the sunshine.

Have a good Christmas

Had to share

I heard this the other day and the lyrics are just amazing, its like they were written for me a soundtrack of this year



She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

Final grades are in...

I have been putting off checking my school email because i knew grades had been sent and i was sure i had missed by 1 point! 1 point i mean if i failed with a 50 i can say i was a smutz for not studying but 1 point.
Well i just checked and i got an 80!!!!! OMFG!!!!! thank you brain for retaining info and not failing me.
i seriously though it wasn't gonna happen just based on my track record this year of things just not working out according to plan, this was a nice surprise and like i told Michael slightly better than a BFP because this can't be taken away from, i can't be blindsided by waking up one day and be told oops sorry you didn't pass!
yay i'm so happy and relieved!
Also i got the job i had interviewed for, the manager really liked me and offered me the job that same day.
I start training tomorrow and I'm so excited, after 2 years of being a SAHM which i loved don't get me wrong, its gonna be nice to have some extra cash and time out of the house.
Merry Christmas and hopefully this is the start of a turn around for us because frankly up until this morning this year just sucked!

T minus 1 weeks

ok more like 3 days before my nursing finals. i haven't done bad in the first 2 midterms fro each class but considering that passing is a 75 and i have 74 i'm failing, i have one more chance to get an 80 on both finals to be able to pass this semester!
I'm stressing and i'm probably gonna be a zombie by the time sunday rolls around.
its alot of material most of it is common sense and critical thinking but still i'm stressing because there are some things you must know like ABG's values and hypercalcemia vs hypoclacemis, hyponatremia ect.
I pray i do well and get throught this. Please let this be the one thing i don't fail at this year.

I'm doing Ok

Thanks so much to everyone who has posted such supportive comments. My husband has been very amazing thourgh it all , but you get a different type of support from women that just can't be denied!
You all rock!
So I'm doing ok...for some reason, I started to have a sinking feeling about this pregnancy oover the weekend, when I saw how low my HCG numbers were from the start. By the time monday rolled around, I was a bit prepped for it, mentally. I just sat at the kitchen table and cried; the sobbing, put-your-whole-body-into-it type of crying, just lots of tears rolling down my face. Then, I went to clinicals, came home, and I had a glass of wine.
The good news is I can enjoy my wine again during this break from baby-making, and even have an occasional machiato or two. Add sushi to the list, too.
The bad news is that I have to be in this wait-and-see mode now. From previous experiences my betas tend to go down pretty fast, so i'm hoping that by January we will be able to start "fresh" sort of speak.
Best case, I can count last weeks bleeding as AF, and have a normal cycle this month, even if we're not TTC'ing it.
Worst case, my body takes longer to regulate, or I don't have a normal miscarriage on my own. I did start some very light spotting and cramping yesterday that lasted about 20 minutes! WTF was it? no clue. So I think my body is in the process of the miscarriage - just wondering how long it's going to take to get things back to normal.
The main pregnancy symptoms that are still with me are the sore boobs and heightened sense of smell. Boy, has that one been something! I've been gagging on my own perfumes,and even on the burt's bees Chapstick that I loved so much...now it just plain stinks :)
Thank goodness I have midterms and finals coming up to keep me busy during this waiting period.
And again thanks to all of you!

betas not doubling

Four days ago, my HCG level was 77. yesterday's was 77.8
We have been instructed to stop all meds,
and i to go see my perinatologist to check on possibly havig a luteal phase defect.
Doctor said we don't have to wait for anything and can start TTc again. I'm to start progesterone on CD17 to help a pg if it happens if it doesn't then stop once AF shows and do it all again next cycle, i'm also to start lovenox as soon as i get my next BFP.
I'm bummed. fourth loss this year!
happy fucking holidays!
and even better happy fucking birthday to me!

tick tock tick tock,

I'm not obsessing, really. Ok, maybe a little bit. But how do you not obsess when the BFP has been so alluring yet out of reach for so long? I think people may say they just kicked back during their 2ww, but who are we kidding here really?
I mean seriously It takes every bit of will-power for me to not do endless internet searches on early pregnancy symptoms, or think that every twinge, cramp, and bloat is a sign that this is the month.
well so here i am and it its THE month, i got my BFP exactly 1 week ago and I'm still technically in limbo awaiting yet another round of beta results. I have been on the progesterone suppositories for and pills since last Wednesday all totaling 400mg.
Here are some of the symptoms I've been experiencing:
post O day: During dinner, I got this horrible headache that felt like my head was being squeezed, I also had these horrible shooting pains in the back of my head. This lasted until late-afternoon the next day. then gone, ok whatever
8DPO : super nauseous for 2 days straight, my boobs however have been great as where with our first one i couldn't even bear to take my bra off at night let alone sleep on them
10DPO - present: Been having trouble sleeping through the night, and have been really, really tired. I read that this could be a side effect of the progesterone? Has anyone else experienced this?
5DP BFP - present: A ton of bloating. I feel twinges here and there. It feels as if there is "construction" going on. As for the bloating, it's similar to the worst kind of bloating I get on the months that this occurs prior to AF. It seems a bit early for me to be bloating this much if I'm not PG, but I kind of forget the exact timing when I usually experience this. i also started bleeding bright re, but no intense cramping, actually no cramping at all, i read somewhere maybe my body didn't get the memo we're pregnant? lasted 2 days,
10DP BFP = took another HPT it was positive
my betas so far have been:

13 DPO = 14
14 DPO = 19
17 DPO = 36
18 DPO = 77
24 DPO = ???

So what do you think? Is the Progesterone messing with my body ???
As I write this, I'm thinking, "you need to stop obsessing about this...go read a book or something..." - but I'm so tired right now, I know that if I started to read a book (and I'm actually in the middle of an extremely intriguing one right now) that I'd just end up falling asleep. I hope hubby comes home soon so he can entertain me - and keep me awake!

So although my HCG levels are "low", I have a good feeling about this PG. It may be wishful thinking, but I'd like to think it's women's intuition, or whatever you want to dub it. So I'm not sharing my news widely (aren't you all lucky in blog-land??) until I hit my second trimester. In the meantime, I'm savoring up all the information I can about pregnancy, what to do, what not to do, helpful tips, etc.I'm also taking lots of naps :)
I still feel pretty positive about my overall state, of course the nerves have started to sink in. It probably doesn't help that I'm blogging right after my conversation with my favorite nurse Kathy.
This is almost like drinking and dialing...except I'm getting scary news and blogging :)
so as soon as I know tomorrow if this is it so will you guys!

Aids awareness

I saw this on perez and thought the message was great

The virus that causes AIDS could theoretically be eliminated in a decade if all people living in countries with high infection rates are regularly tested and treated, according to a new mathematical model.
It is an intriguing solution to end the AIDS epidemic. But it is based on assumptions rather than data, and is riddled with logistical problems. The research was published online Tuesday in the medical journal, The Lancet.
"It's quite a startling result," said Charlie Gilks, an AIDS treatment expert at the World Health Organization and one of the paper's authors. "In a relatively short amount of time, we could potentially knock the epidemic on its head."
Gilks and colleagues used data from South Africa and Malawi. In their model, people were voluntarily tested each year and immediately given drugs if they tested positive for HIV, regardless of whether they were sick.
Within 10 years, HIV infections dropped by 95 percent. Other initiatives like safe sex education and male circumcision were also used.
The strategy would cut the estimated number of AIDS deaths between 2008 and 2050 by about half, from about 8.7 million to 3.9 million, leaving only sporadic HIV cases.
Experts think the strategy's cost would peak at about $3.4 billion a year, though expenses would fall after an initial investment.
"This is certainly beyond the bounds of the current infrastructure for many countries, but that is not a reason not to think big," said Myron Cohen, of the University of North Carolina, who has done similar research. He was not involved in the WHO study.
Only 3 million people are currently on AIDS drugs. Nearly 7 million people are still awaiting treatment, and about 3 million more people were infected last year. Worldwide, WHO guesses that about 33 million people have HIV.
Increasing access to testing and drugs would stretch already weak health systems in Africa, which has most of the world's HIV cases.
"This is not like giving someone a Tylenol," said Jennifer Kates, director of HIV policy for the Kaiser Family Foundation in Washington, DC. Once people start AIDS drugs, they must continue indefinitely. "The idea should be explored, but it's a huge leap," Kates said.
Handing out AIDS drugs to everyone who tests positive could also worsen drug resistance.
In addition, doctors don't know if it's safe to take AIDS drugs for decades; the oldest drug combinations have only been around for about a dozen years.
Other experts questioned whether the strategy might infringe on patient's rights. Once people test positive for HIV, they would be advised to start treatment, even if they weren't sick.
That would benefit the community, but not necessarily the patients themselves. AIDS drugs come with side effects including vomiting, liver failure, and heart attacks.
WHO emphasized that the study findings do not signal a policy change. "This is only a theoretical exercise," said Dr. Kevin De Cock, director of WHO's HIV/AIDS department. He said WHO would hold a meeting next year to study the idea more closely.

just a vent

I need to vent for a minute, my new office Dr.Fl when i told her about the bleeding that started on tueday she quickly althoough gently and nicely said its chemical pg your body is flushing it out. she said that based on my p4 of 6, she failed to mention that the betas however were doibling! based on my google research some doctors think betas doubling is more important than p4 others think p4 is and indicator of where the pg is going.
When Doctor F from my old office called i asked him and he said well we will supplement with extra p4 and if its meant to be it will be but why not give it a try! that is what i like and its what is making think of actually staying with the old office, the only reason i wanted to leave was because i don't really care for the other Dr. ther but 2 out if 3 ain't bad and i don't have to see him all the time, my other gripe was the hospital with the new office the hospital they use is about 10 minutes away where the old office the hopst is a good 30-45 minutes but its a great hosp.
I guess on tuesday i'll find out for sure if this is working or if i did have another m/c and then to decide which office to stay with for good!

tis the season

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

still pregnant today

so here is the latest as of 5 minutes ago:
I can't beilieve i'm typing this but ladies my betas today was to be around 66 or so it was 77 but the progesterone went down to 5, the nurse told me that since AF was expected this past friday i may just be super ealry and i may have o'ed or implanted late.
I mentioned the nest and all of the stories i've rad including dontblink's about how her pregesterone was ony 6 when she was 6 wks along and she is now watching her 2yr old playing!
I mentioned about uping the p4 dose to twice a day and she said she would check with Dr. F, he called and said to keep taking prochieve at night and take prometrium during the day (its a pill instead of the insert)
I know i may get some heat for whati'm about to type but i'm trying to do all i can.
Anyway as of yesterday i started taking enometin 100mg inserts 2x a day...yes before the doctor even said i could, listen i want to know i'm doing whatever it takes to help this baby out.
today's bleeding was brown-ish to wich kathy (nurse) said great that is what we like!
Also last night when michael did the lovenox shot for the first time ever i bled, enough to need to put a tissue on it for about 5 minutes to stop it, i know its normal and to be expected esp when you are combining the BA with the lovenox. But michael has this theory that maybe the bleeding i'm experiencing (not the shot one) is due to some capillary or vessel in the uterus esp since my cervix was closed yesterday when Dr. F checked it, he said it was just red, but closed.
Michael like i said is convinced this is a vessel or something else and not a m/c especially given the bleeding after lovenox.
I hope he is right! and that this is our baby!
Thanks from the bottom of my heart to all of you who have been thining and praying with us.

why can't it just be easy?

Our first round of betas came back at 19 which is low but like all the nesties say its the doubling that matters, that was last friday, yesterday and this morning i had betas drawn yesterday's number was well my betas is 36 so it doubled within the 48-72 hour span, but my progesterone is 6, Most Doctors like to see it at least at 10-12 or above for it to be considered a "good" pregnancy. Oh and here is the kickler, i started bleeding this morning!
I kept telling michael i was just waiting for the other shoe to drop he kept being positive. Ilove that man!
anyway my doctor said its not over although the bleeding has not stopped and i have since passed some, not many but some small clots.
He said to keep taking the progesterone but to up to twice a day isntead of once and see where it goes. He did say though that i should prepare my self for this ending up being a chemical pg. Which is basically the clinical term used for a very early miscarriage. In many cases, the positive pregnancy test was achieved before the woman’s period was due but a miscarrige occured before a heartbeat was able to be seen on an ultrasound.
I came home and just got into bed so i apologize for not posting earlier, i've been trying to stay positive but the bleeding really isn't helping me out.
I did hit google and found some stories of women with low p4 like this one:

"Here are the facts: m/c at 10 1/2 wks pg in early nov. 2007, ultrasound showed no growth after 5 wks, pos. pg test early jan. 2008 w/ no AF in between, progesterone levels at 4 1/2 wks were 3.9! Hcg went from 49 to 176. So at 5 wks started taking progesterone supplements, in 3 1/2 days my prog. went from 3.9 to 15 and my hcg went from 176 to 1023. Any similar got my results this morning and my hcg went from 1023 to 12,000 in one wk, my ob says that is good, my progesterone is 12.4, but the OB says that could be normal for me.I would say your hcg levels are more revealing than your progesterone levels. They should double every 48-72 hours in early pregnancy."

and this one

my progesterone at 16 dpo was only 9 and my hcg was only 49. The hcg did start to double but the the progesterone never really took off. It never got above 25 and stayed at 15 or below. My RE did have me on Crinone for the first trimester just to make sure. They told me the pregnancy was probably abnormal, but I am 36 weeks with what appears to be a normal healthy girl.

I'm hoping i can be one of those miracles but i'm so scared to be positive!
thanks for all your prayers and well wishes, he wants me to go back next week and get another round of betas and go from there. And tomorrow i will know today's resu;ts and if those are lower than todays well then i guess we all know what happened!

is this you?

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room



and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.



If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'



She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.



She's such a b*tch.....

got first betas back today

at 13DPO they were 14! i'm trying not to stress about this number and as one of my fellow nestie's pointed out the american pregnancy association says:
3 weeks LMP: 5 - 50 mIU/ml
4 weeks LMP: 5 - 426 mIU/ml
5 weeks LMP: 18 - 7,340 mIU/ml
6 weeks LMP: 1,080 - 56,500 mIU/ml
7 - 8 weeks LMP: 7, 650 - 229,000 mIU/ml
9 - 12 weeks LMP: 25,700 - 288,000 mIU/ml
13 - 16 weeks LMP: 13,300 - 254,000 mIU/ml
17 - 24 weeks LMP: 4,060 - 165,400 mIU/ml
25 - 40 weeks LMP: 3,640 - 117,000 mIU/ml
Non-pregnant females: <5.0 mIU/ml
Postmenopausal females: <9.5 mIU/ml

I go back on tuesday for another round, please pray it doubles for us!

oh i forget to tell you guys!

I'M PREGNANT! We are so excited, cautious, but excited. My EDD is July 31, 2009! I got a BFP on Wenesday.
I've been having some very slight light spotting but its brown and the nesties keep assuring me brown is good, but still our first m/c started this way brown then red a week later. Still it's enough to send me into panic mode i'm hoping it goes away on its own and its just resdual implantation spotting. I'm praying everything is getting settled in and ready for the long haul. I'm scheduled to a see a perinatoligist on Dec 5th and i will start lovenox in two weeks, they won't start it earlier since they want to make sure it viable and don't have me on blood thinner in case it isn't.
Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers since it's going to be a long frist trimester and even longer 2 weeks till we make it to 6 weeks.

my latest lol clip

OMG how do you not laugh at this pup?

my latest toy

can i just say i was ver devoted to bare escentuals eyeshadows, but I got this pallete the other day and i love their shadows! they are so creammy and luxe i love it, i can't wait to try this look:





Book Of Shadows Palette
What it is:
A palette of sixteen eyeshadows: eight best-sellers and eight exclusive new shades found only in this palette.

What it does:
Urban Decay Book of Shadows Palette is the largest (and most unique) palette Urban Decay has ever offered. Nestled inside a pull-out drawer, there are sixteen eyeshadows, two premium brushes, and a travel-size Eyeshadow Primer Potion. There's also a large mirrored vanity, framed by one-of-a-kind 3D pop-ups of Urban Decay graphics: birds, skulls, and flowers spring forward against a backdrop of flourishes, jewels, and butterflies.

What else you need to know:
This palette contains Perversion (matte black), Last Call (plum punch), Grifter (sheer lavender with lots of silver microglitter), Mayhem (deep purple), Baked (rich bronze), Smog (deep coppery bronze), Sidecar (bronze sparkle), Gridlock (medium brown), Shakedown (shimmering taupe), Roach (deep brown with reddish sheen), Scandal (peachy-pink), Midnight Cowboy (golden beige with gold glitter), Goddess (midnight blue with lots of electric blue microglitter), Shattered (bright green/blue shift), Absinthe (electric green), Protest (dark green).

MTHFR tutorial

I've recently been diagnosed with having the homozygous C677T MTHFR mutation and have found various information on the subject. I was hoping this might help others that are looking for the majority of the information available in one reading...I needed to put together something to send out to my family to ensure they all got tested, so thought I'd share here. I have borrowed much of this from others, so if some sounds familiar, you likely have read it either here or on other forums. Best wishes to those who have recently been diagnosed. For those who have experienced losses, I hope your recent diagnosis and treatment proves to be the answer to your prayers. I am hopeful it's the answer to mine and dh's. All my best!

MTHFR Gene Mutation

What is it?
The gene MTHFR (Methylenetetrahydofolate Reductase) encodes the protein MTHFR. Its job is to convert one form of folate (5,10-Methylenetetrahydofolate) to another form of folate (5-Methyltetrahydrofolate). 5-Methyltetrahydrofolate is used to convert Homocysteine (a "bad" amino acid) to Methionine (a "good" amino acid). Therefore, if MTHFR is not doing its job as well, homocysteine will not be converted to Methionine and will be elevated in plasma. Elevated Homocysteine has been associated with a variety of multi-factorial diseases.

Essentially what this means is that the genes that instruct MTHFR to convert homocysteine to Methionine are mutated and may not be capable of doing this important function. MTHFR is an enzyme that converts Homocysteine to an essential amino acid (Methionine). When the genes are mutated you may be lacking this enzyme. Your Homocysteine levels can possibly climb making the blood clot. Some doctors don't check for the MTHFR mutations and rely only on homocysteine levels. This isn't as reliable as testing for the mutations, because Homocysteine levels fluctuate (if you catch your level on a normal day, you may go undiagnosed).

What Type Do I Have?
With MTHFR, there are two different genes identified for this mutation, and it's possible to be "heterozygous," "compound heterozygous," or "homozygous." The MTHFR gene mutation has varying degrees of possible implications. The order of potential severity from most to least is:
1. C677T & C677T (Two C Copies - C677T Homozygous)
2. C677T & A1298C (One Copy of Each The C & A - Compound Heterozygous)
3. C677T (One C Copy - C677T Heterozygous)
4. A1298C & A1298C (Two A Copies - A1298C Homozygous)
5. A1298C (One A Copy - A1298C Heterozygous)

The MTHFR mutation is fairly common in the general population. Approximately 44% of the population is heterozygous and another approximate 12% are homozygous for the MTHFR mutation. Compound heterozygous and homozygous MTHFR have the highest incidences of being linked to implantation failure, late term miscarriages, specific birth defects and overall vascular health. Whichever type of MTHFR you have, it should not be discounted, particularly if there is a personal or family history of any such incidences.

What Are the Implications?
Any and all of the mutations can affect homocysteine levels, but there is much dispute as to whether elevated homocysteine levels are actually needed in order for MTHFR to cause medical complications. Many other MTHFR patients have normal homocysteine levels; yet have had implantation problems, m/c(s), and/or stillbirth(s) due to clotting problems. So it is important to find out your Homocysteine levels (although again, normal doesn't necessarily mean all is well). This is a serious field and MTHFR is a serious condition, so consulting an expert is wise.

Research shows that high homocysteine levels and/or those with the mutation show a higher propensity for thrombosis (blood clots), arteriosclerosis (hardening of arteries), Alzheimer's, stroke, heart attack, Fibromyalgia, migraines (especially with "Aura" migraines), osteoporotic fractures, bone marrow disorders and for those of child bearing years, it has found to be connected to higher incidences of down's syndrome, spina bifida, other neural tube defects, trisomy, miscarriage, stillbirth, implantation failure, placental abruption, preeclampsia, higher incidences of autism, amongst others. Additionally, if you test positive you may want to have your parents, siblings, and any children you may already have tested, as well. There are a few positives to this disorder. Because folate is necessary for cellular division, there is support that shows having this disorder can actually help keep certain types of cancer cells from multiplying as rapidly, so there are some benefits from having this mutation.

Treatment?
Many doctors prescribe Folgard, which is a prescription vitamin supplement containing high levels of folic acid, B12 and B6. These vitamins are what the body essentially needs to convert Homocysteine to Methionine. To put this into perspective, the average multivitamin contains 400 mcgs , most prenatals have 800mcgs of Folic Acid (200% of the normal daily value). Those that are compound heterozygous and those that are homozygous for the mutation are recommended taking 5 mgs. of Folic Acid/B vitamins (12 times the average multi-vitamin and 6 times more than prenatals). It is also recommended to begin taking a low dose (LD) aspirin (81 mgs) once a day, every day, for the rest of your life.

For those undergoing fertility treatments, often times the treatment includes Lovenox (low molecular weight heparin) or Heparin (both are anti-coagulants) during the cycle. If you have a history of implantation failure or early miscarriage, it is becoming more acceptable to use the protocol established by the well-respected Reproductive Immunologist Dr. Beers by beginning Lovenox (40mg/once a day) on cycle day 6 and continuing throughout the cycle. If pregnancy is confirmed, this dosage is likely increased (Typically up to 40mg/twice a day, but potentially higher doses are prescribed dependent upon blood work results since homocysteine levels tend to increase with pregnancy) and usage continues throughout your pregnancy. Approximately two to four weeks prior to birth, the patient is converted to Heparin and continues to take an anti-coagulant for another 6 weeks postpartum (typically switched back to Lovenox). During that time, you will typically be directed to take additional Calcium and Vitamin D, as anti-coagulants can cause bone loss (Heparin more so than Lovenox). Some doctors will recommend a bone scan after use is discontinued to ensure there are no bone density issues. While being treated with an anti-coagulant, you will typically be asked to discontinue taking the 81 mg. baby aspirin since the anti-coagulants will replace the need for the thinning property of the LD aspirin. The FDA has placed Lovenox in the pregnancy category B. Lovenox is not expected to be harmful to an unborn baby. It is not known whether Lovenox passes into breast milk or if it could harm a nursing baby. Do not use Lovenox without telling your doctor if you are breast-feeding a baby. However, many doctors believe it is fine to breastfeed for the 6 weeks postpartum while still receiving Lovenox.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Can i just say this has got to be the most favorite time of the year, I LOVE Halloween! I go all out needless to say Michael never dressed up prior to dating me, now he is already planning his costume for next year!
We had a great time trick or treating with Darren, he made out with some loot let me tell ya! I think we are set in the chocolate dept. for the rest of the year.
We went out later that night dressed up of course and I convinced Michael to enter in the scariest costume contest and guess what ya'll he won! It was the eyes they are so freaky but i do take credit for the makeup, i think i did a pretty good job. He did the swirls on my eyes aren't they cute?
Anyway enjoy the pics!
This 1st one was his crowning moment when the whole bar was screaming for him to win! he said he felt like a rock star! BTW that is not my hand it was some chic who kept yelling at him "OMG you are so hot" i was standing next to her smiling thinking "yup but i get to take the vampire home!"

MTHFR

No, it's not an abbreviation for motherfucker.

It's the gene mutation they FINALLY diagnosed me with to explain the clotting disorders in my family. Yes, I am no longer a medical mystery to be treated with the utmost care. I actually have a problem. Yay!

I have MTHFR with 2 mutations = compound hetero MTHFR
get smart :
Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase (MTHFR) is the name of a gene that produces an enzyme, also called methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase. this enzyme is found in the cells of our body. It is needed to metabolize (break down) homocysteine, an amino acid found in the proteins you eat. Elevated homocysteine levels have been associated with fetal neural tube defects (i.e., spinal Bifida) and miscarriage. An elevated homocysteine level can also indicate a increased risk factor for blood clots, arteriosclerosis (hardening of arteries) and strokes in both men and women. The metabolism of homocysteine depends on several enzymes, one of which is MTHFR, along with B vitamins and folic acid. In other words, B vitamins, folic acid and MTHFR are necessary to keep homocysteine levels within normal limits. When the body is deficient in methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase, its ability to absorb folate (also known as vitamin B9), such as folic acid, is inhibited. Folic acid and B9 are both essential to the development and health of the fetus.
Because of a mother with MTHFR’s inability to efficiently metabolize folic acid and vitamin B9, the disorder has been linked to a variety of pregnancy complications such as chromosomal abnormalities, such as Down syndrome, and congenital malformations.
Elevated levels of homocysteine have been associated with placental disease, preeclampsia and recurrent pregnancy loss. 21% of women with high levels of homocysteine experience recurrent pregnancy loss.
SymptomsBecause MTHFR is a blood-based disease with many varieties, symptoms vary depending on the exact mutation of the disease. They can include:
blood clots
depression
anxiety

Taking folic acid can help women with certain mutations of the disease. Folic acid can be found in eggs, dark leafy vegetables, such as spinach and broccoli, oranges and orange juice and legumes, such as peas and dried beans. Vitamin supplements also contain folic acid.
maybe I should plant an orange tree!
as for the 2 mutations that i have--> compound C677T and A1298C MTHFR mutation :
If you have two copies of the same mutation, you are homozygous. Homozygotes can have elevated homocysteine levels in maternal blood and amniotic fluid.
There is NO CURE for MTHFR mutation. If you have the mutation, that's the way your body is made. You can, however, lessen any risk factors you have by taking B vitamins, Folic acid and baby aspirin in doses prescribed by your doctor. By taking these agents, you can lower your homocysteine levels and therefor your risk for the conditions above.

So for now I'm to make an apointment with a High risk OB and my next pg will be considered HIGH RISK regardless.
I'm researching the benefits of possibly going on lovenox for my next BFP but i wonder if it woul
be "overkill" as Dr. F mentioned earlier.
things that make you go hmmmmm

RPL results are in

We had our RPL testing done 2 weeks ago and got resluts today.
RPL=Recurrent pregnancy loss is defined as the loss of three or more pregnancies in a row. Yup that would be us or me i should say. Turns out I have very low folic acid levels and a blood clotting disorder.
studies have also suggested that being deficient in folic acid is associated with higher risk of early miscarriage. One 2002 study by Swedish researchers found that women with low folate levels had a significantly increased risk of having a miscarriage affected by chromosomal abnormalities. such as trisomy 16 (read previous post below)

Blood clotting disorders appear to play a role in 15% of all cases of recurrent miscarriage. Blood clotting disorders prevent the placenta from getting a proper blood supply during pregnancy, causing the fetus to die. This is often due to the presence of high levels of antiphospholipid antibodies (APA)--> special cells that are supposed to help our bodies attack foreign invaders. and anticardiolipin antibodies
If you do test high for antiphospholipid antibodies, like i did, the treatment is aimed at reducing the number of clots in your blood, and restoring blood flow to the placenta. Low-dose aspirin and the anticoagulant Heparin are often recommended.
Aspirin appears to help thin out the blood in women who are experiencing these problematic blood clots. When given in low doses, aspirin makes your blood platelets less sticky, allowing blood to travel more easily through the placenta to your baby
My numbers weren't so BAD that my doctor thinks with just the BA it should be enough, so no shots WAHOO and THANK GOD
I will have to continue P4 when i get my next BFP though just to be safe.
As for the folic acid I'm starting a prescription dose of 4mg plus the PNV!
Hey i'll pop as many pills as need and even get poked if it means finally having our baby!
I have to be thankful to the Lord for giving us answers that WE can easily fix.
And thank you to all of those who have kept us in your prayers!

Trisomy 16

This was the reason our latest pg didn't work. Nothing we could have done or didn't do would have changed what was inevitable. This genetic disorder is with the baby not the parents and its not life sustainable meaning the baby would have never survived.
Here is more specific info:
Chromosome 16 normally occurs in cells as a pair of chromosomes, one inherited from each parent. But when it comes to chromosomes, as the old saw says, anything that can go wrong, will. Pieces of the chromosome can mistakenly be duplicated, or may break off and get lost, or there can be too many copies of the entire chromosome. Below are some of the disorders of chromosome 16.
Trisomy 16Instead of the normal pair, there are three copies of chromosome 16. Trisomy 16 is estimated to occur in more than 1% of pregnancies, making it the most common trisomy in humans. Unfortunately, this also makes trisomy 16 the most common chromosomal cause of miscarriages, as the condition is not compatible with life.
Sometimes there may be three copies of chromosome 16, but not in all cells of the body (some have the normal two copies). This is called mosaicism. Symptoms of trisomy 16 mosaicism include:
poor growth of the fetus during pregnancy
congenital heart defects, such as ventricular septal defect (16% of individuals) or atrial septal defect (10% of individuals)
unusual facial features
underdeveloped lungs or respiratory tract problems
musculoskeletal anomalies
urethral opening too low (hypospadias) (7.6% of boys).
Miscarriage occurs in fifteen to 20 percent of all pregnancies, and the risk of miscarriage increases with each successive pregnancy loss. Recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL) is defined as three or more consecutive miscarriages that occur prior to the ability of the fetus to survive on its own (usually twenty weeks).
Chromosomal abnormalities - Found in more the 50% of spontaneous abortions but in less than 1% of full-term newborns. The most prevalent type of genetic abnormality in abortuses is autosomal trisomy (50%), especially trisomies 16, 18 and 21 (Down syndrome). In about 5% of couples with RPL, one partner is found to have a balanced translocation (some of the genetic material from one chromosome is located on the wrong chromosome) and when this is passed on to the fetus genetic error can occur.

We are waiting now for the results of our RPL and praying that we don't have a balanced translocation which is basically a person usually has all the genetic material necessary for normal growth -- a piece of a chromosome is merely broken off and attached to another one. However, when that person's cells divide to create egg or sperm cells for reproduction, the egg or sperm cells can end up with extra genetic material or missing genetic material, which could lead to miscarriage depending on which chromosome and genes are affected
because there is no cure for balanced translocation, and in most cases, the only adverse effect on health is recurrent miscarriages. the treatment for this is usually PGD : the couple conceives via in-vitro fertilization along with gene testing of the embryos to be sure that they do not have an unbalanced translocation. PGD is very expensive, did i mention our insurance doesn't cover infertility?
yeah and also i can't got through with it even if they didn't simply because i don't believ in fertilizing eggs and the selecting the" best" to implant, to me personally that feels like i'm playing God, and although lately i don't think he even remebers who i am let alone feel his presence anywhere near me, i respect the creatin process and don't want to play with sort of speak. That said I would never knock anyone opting for this option i just personally couldn't do it.

i couldn't have worded it better

this is amazing and truly a reality of who we are who we've become and how we feel

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

a word from the NY times

Published: October 20, 2008
written by N. West Moss

There are no pink ribbons to wear if you’ve had a miscarriage, no walkathons or T-shirts to encourage awareness and prevention. And to the extent that we have a language to talk about miscarriage, it’s full of airy platitudes: “Don’t worry, I had one once, too,” or “I had two, and then — poof — Davey was born, and he’s graduating from college this week.”
But until you belong to the imaginary club of Mothers Without Children, it is a secret planet of pain, all but invisible to the outside world.
I recently had my third miscarriage in a year. It happened early in the pregnancy, and it was dismissed as no big deal — “chemical pregnancy” seems to be the term of art. Let’s not overreact, no need for hysterics, keep moving. “We’ll treat it as though you’re just getting your period,” as my doctor put it.
But honestly, it is not just like getting your period. Psychologically, of course, it is nothing like it, but physically it is different, too. I had cramps for hours that left my ribs feeling bruised, and then four days later I was back at work and exhausted because I was still bleeding a lot — not an alarming amount, but enough to make me schedule meetings in rooms near bathrooms, and to send me home in the afternoon for a two-hour nap. I wonder how men would cope. All of the pain, mess, furtive tidying-up, shame and soldiering-on seem so fundamentally female to me.
People act as if a miscarriage were a locatable event on a calendar, with a beginning, a middle and an end. But in fact it starts when you feel that first unmistakable twinge that something is totally wrong. It continues through the rough days of sorrow and deep cramps, and then it meanders through every single day of the rest of your whole stupid life. I will probably mourn about this miscarriage in some outwardly unremarkable way until I either have a healthy baby or die.
Talking about miscarriages is so loaded and pitiful and hushed and fraught with meaning about age and usefulness. It feels as though having three miscarriages in a year means I did something wrong, when the reality is that most miscarriages take place for chromosomal reasons out of our control.
Yet a woman who has had a miscarriage has likely asked herself why. “God must not want me to have a kid,” she might think, or “I am too old.” There are moments when you can feel that the miscarriage and the calamities of the world are your own doing and you should have somehow known better.
Maybe we don’t talk about our miscarriages because we don’t want women with children looking at us with pity, or teenagers in their immortality-flushed way thinking, “That’ll never happen to me.” We do not want happy families to whisper, “Thank God that’s not us.” We don’t want to wonder if men are thinking, “If they can’t have kids, then why are they here, anyway?”
I cannot tell you, though, what you should say to women who have had miscarriages. While it can be touching to hear other women’s stories, it can also be irritating: it makes our moment of extraordinary sadness feel ordinary and unremarkable. Why would I want to hear about your miscarriage when I am lying on the floor trying to lift 500 pounds of failure, disappointment and crashing hormones off my chest?
I can tell you that I want people to know. I don’t want it to be a secret or a shadow or something that is endured only alone. I want people to know that I have been through something, that I am tired but optimistic, that I’ve been knocked down but don’t help me up because I can get up myself.
It’s fair, I think, to want witnesses for our suffering. But with the sorrow also comes hope. And after all, we are resilient creatures. A friend of mine said it well in an e-mail message after she heard my news. “I hope you don’t give up,” she wrote. “I want to take a picture of your child one day against the tallest sunflower.”

Light a candle with us

Tomorrow we will be lighting 3 candles, one for each of our angels that now watch over us. Its easy to forget and get caught up in our lives, but not one day goes by that i don't think of them. how they would be or how far along I should be.
It hard and its pain that will never go away, a piece of my soul has been torn from me and will never be healed or replaced.
This is my way to let friends and family kow that just because we dn't give birth doesn't mean it hurts any less, with each positive test dreams were slowly starting to become a reality, we had plans made, names picked out, where the crib would go, would we find out the sex, where would we have the shower and of course delivery time. Then in the blink of an eye it was taken from us. our dream all too soon became a nightmare and one from where we just can't seem to wake up and even worse it keeps repeating itself over and over.
We have lost 3 babies and we will never ever forget how much they touched our lives and I hope they now how much we adored them every second they were with us!

http://www.october15th.com

If i owened a restaurant

I would totally hire lafayette to be the manager, some people come in and can be total Assholes about evrything and this is how they should be handled:

Live as if you were to die tomrrow...learn as if you were to live forever

For some time many of us havewondered just who is Jack Schitt? Wefind ourselves at a loss when someonesays, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts,you can now respond in an intellectual way.Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, marriedO. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.They had one son, Jack.In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.The deeply religious couple producedsix children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt,Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twinsDeap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against herparents' objections, Deap Schitt marriedDumb Schitt, a high school dropout.After being married 15 years, Jack andNoe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt latermarried Ted Sherlock, and, because herkids were living with them, she wanted tokeep her previous name. She was then knownas Noe Schitt Sherlock.Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,and they produced a son with a rathernervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.Two of the other six children, Fulla Schittand Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughoutchildhood and subsequently married theHappens brothers in a dual ceremony.The wedding announcement in the newspaperannounced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg,Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigalson, left home to tour the world. He recentlyreturned from Italy with his new Italian bride, PisaSchitt.Now, when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt,"you can correct them,And say I know all the about Schitt's

TCCAL mantras

Even though we are not TTC yet...(yes i am crazy enough to want to keep trying and hopefully getting it right at some point)
I figured these would be good to have for now until I get there.

Waiting to “O”
- The only thing that I can really do is have a lot of sex.
- When in doubt FLB
2WW
- I’m pg until AF tells me I’m not.
- It’s not over ‘til AF shows.
AF shows
- Might not be this time, but there is a baby waiting for the perfect moment to be with me.
Whole cycle
- Yes! I WILL get pg again!!
- My desire to have a baby is greater then my fear of having another miscarriage.

My new athem

I forgot to mention I was driving home the other night crying, and this song came on and although i never heard the lyrics it hit right home that moment, this is where i am right now in my life. at first i wanted to aim this at GOD but i honestly don't believe he is doing this to me, and sometimes i feel like he has completely forgotten about me I look at my 7y/o miracle and thank him for blessing me with him. Whatever frces or whatnot IS responsible for doing this...this is for them! basically a F*ck YOU!
the lyrics below are what got to me the most! enjoy
BTW don't forget to pause the player below BEFORE you play this!





So i'm gonna drink my money
I got a brand new attitude
And i'm gonna wear it tonight
I wanna get in trouble I wanna start a fight
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
I wanna start a fight
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
I wanna start a fight
So so what? I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And i don't need you
And guess what I'm having more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight I'm alright, I'm just fine
And you're a tool
So so what?
I am a rockstar
I got my rock moves
And i don't want you tonight

You weren't there
You never were
You weren't all
But thats not fair
I gave you life I gave my all
You weren't there
You let me fall So so what?

Its over and done with

Well surgery was a success i suppose on Monday...hey i'm still alive right!
Anyway, going through this for a third time besides being totally unfair, its completely devastated me and just ripped out my want to be a mother again. I don't know that i ever want to TTC again, Michael? well he wants to wait to see what the report(aka baby's autopsy) will tell us. uhmm yeah how about nothing! my body for whatever reason just doesn't want to handle a pg again. I'm so over it over the trying and planning and being careful not to eat this or drink that because of what harm it may do...guess what been there done that i still have no baby to show for it! 3 babies lost regardless of how careful i was and how many vitamins and precautions i took, i still lost them!
What difference does it make?
I told Michael that we need to each write a list of 5 places we want to go see and them put them in a box and each December we pull out a paper and that is our next destination vacation for the following summer!
first off Italy! then Costa Rica together finally. I figure if I'm not gonna focus my attention on baby making and producing which I've managed to very successfully fail, then besides nursing school i will put all my energy into vacation planning!
Right now I'm trying to convince Michael to go to Disney again next Sept and take advantage of the free dining! I love Disney and i love food so what better combo OHHH and it will be full blown summer not cold like when we got in January!
Well that is my big update for the week.
ta da for now

Surgery tomorrow

Seem I'm never getting off this roller coaster that just seems to go in this horrible circles, basically it goes, BFP- happiness- bad u/s - bad news- confirmation of loss -surgery -TTC- and we are back at go
3 babies in 7 months it makes no logical sense its not right, and its definitely not fair.
Michael has been amazing but i know he is hurting as much as i am, he cried in my arms last night and said those were the last tears because he needed to be strong for me...BS i said
I hate it all so much but more so seeing him this way, it breaks my soul to see him cry and hurt all because my stupid dysfunctional body can't do the one fucking thing its meant to!
It sucks to admit I'm broken...literally!
I just want this to be over, 2008 has been wow i can't even think of a word to describe how bad its been. I just want it over all of it all the pain, the tears, the joy,
I just don't care anymore!
So anyway surgery is tomorrow and i should be home by noon....we hope....

Our 3rd loss

We went in friday to check what our progress was, we were hoping to see a healthy strong heartbeat...that wasn't the case, We had 2u/s one at the doctor's office and one at the hospital which has better machines, they both concluded i should be about 8 weeks and the baby...our blue was measuring only 5 wks 2 days. I am beyond numb at this point 3 losses in 7 months, noone deserves that. I mean how much bad karma do i have that i need to keep going through this?
seriously one healthy baby that is all i ask for, not to win the lotto, not to be debt free and yesalthough i'm sure it would be nice to have all that...i just want to be able to make my husband a daddy, to be able to make it therough the pregnancy till the end and to be able to hold our baby.
is that too much to ask?
I have surgery scheduled for this monday morning.
its just unreal its like a nightmare we can't seem to wake up from.
its not fair
its not right

For Blue

i saw this in Katie's bio and i stole it, since it seems appropriate for us.

Bless this child inside my womb As she grows stronger each day Keep her in thy loving care Watch over her I pray With much anticipation We're awaiting her arrival And depending upon You Father For this tiny one's survival We'll love her endlessly And care for her our very best She'll be our pride and joy This child with which we're blessed Some say she's not a baby yet I'm certain that they're wrong My feelings toward a group of cells Could never be this strong Help us to remember She really is Your child You've put her in our home For just a little while Lord please bless our family With favors from above As we grow in size May we also grow in love

Quick update on Blue

yes that is what we are calling our baby!

It seems our lil blue is not ready to give up, there was a significant change from last weeks u/s, (friday 12th) The doctor is positive that I o'ed later than i though and its what is causing the difference (read : screw up)in dates. if your naot familiar with all this yet, usually (in a perfect world) the use your LMP(lat menstrual period) in my case Jul 28th, they assume 2 weeks later you O and 2 weeks after that you conceive) well it seems that its ot my case, They believe i geared up to O 2 weeks after my LMP but never did, i got a positives with the OPK's and we screwed like bunnies, 8 days straight! well at some point later that week I actually did O and i guess i had enough"reserve" to fertilize my egg during my vacation without hubby.
anyway....
People....we have a fetal pole!!!! isn't that great?!!!! (fetal pole is basically in layman's terms, it is what will become the beating heart)
The doctor puts me at about 6 weeks, not 7 or almost 8 as we initially thought.
I go in for another u/s next friday the 26th to hopefully see a HB and be 100% this is it.
This has been such and emotional week with me basically crying myself to sleep every night because in my heart based on evidence it was over and i was gearing myself up to hear that during the u/s. At one point Michael held his breath and looked up and got teary and since I couldn't see the screen I just sighed and thought "yup its over" and i asked him "its empty right?" He shook his head which confused me and i thought he doesn't know what he is looking at, then the tech said Are you sure about your dates?" "yes" i said "why?" "well because there's the fetal pole that wasn't there last week!"
It completely took me by surprise and i just cried and was shaking.
So as of today I AM PREGNANT!
I am pregnant and I love my baby!
Thanks for all your support and well wishes and if you can still spare some, please pray we see a strong and healthy HB next week!
till then....

a prayer

A brief back story:
ST. CATHERINE OF SIENA'S PATRON SAINT
St. Catherine is a the patron saint of Europe, firefighters, against fire, bodily ills, illness, miscarriages, nurses, people ridiculed for their piety, against sexual temptation and sick people. St. Catherine suffered much sickness during her lifetime, and so her patronage of sick people and illness is apparent. Her patronage of firefighters has an interesting history: During her ecstasies, St. Catherine, at times fell into fires, so transported was she from her surroundings; however, her skin and clothes remained untouched by the flames. She is also the patron saint of miscarriages, nurses, nursing services and, people ridiculed for their piety.


With this said i guess i owe an explanation:
Well on Aug 20th Michael an I found out we were expecting again! with a due date of May 5th, how appropriate for me right?
Well we had our first u/s on Sept 4th and everything looked good, still too ear;y to see a baby but all was measuring to accordance, we had another u/s scheduled for sept 12th, well the doctor only saw a sac and usually by this point (6weeks) you should be able to see a baby possibly a HB, the sac was empty,BUT the doctor said the sac shape was also oval which means I could be earlier than we though and its still too soon to see a baby, or i have a blighted ovum( click for a more concrete explanation if you like, basically it means the sac formed at some point the baby formed too but something wasn't right and my body re-absorbed the baby and only the sac remains. (think of the sac as a bubble where inside it the baby forms.) Its harder for your body to figure out the pg is over and therefore you still have symptoms but no baby. I guess the only good thing about this is I won't need surgery to remove the sac only a shot and my body will do the rest. Bad news...well this would be our third loss...i guess i am a freak after all huh.
The doctor had me get b/w to check beta levels again to see if they are where they should be with a 4-5wk pg, if they are another round of betas will be done Monday to see if they are still doubling if not well we know the outcome.
As of right now though we are in limbo, not really knowing if we are still pg or not.
So all we can do is pray:


Humble Virgin and Doctor of the Church, in thirty-three years you achieved great perfection and became the counselor of Popes. You know the temptations of mothers today as well as the dangers that await unborn infants. Intercede for me that I may avoid miscarriage and bring forth a healthy baby who will become a true child of God. Also pray for all mothers, that they may not resort to abortion but help bring a new life into the world.
Amen.

Footprints in the sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish,
sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints,
so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints,
my child, is when I carried you.”

To my angel

To my precious angel on your Due date:
On Dec 28th we found out we were expecting! We were scared but overjoyed! Our miracle had come true after 2 years of trying. We made so many plans and had it all mapped out, how the shower would be were you would sleep how the nursery would look. Right from the start i new i always wanted you, from the first couple of weeks when you were just a tiny bean, it didn’t matter cause i loved you right from that second the test said “pregnant”
We couldn’t keep you a secret, so we told everyone you were coming! We were so proud! then on Feb 14th our dreams came crashing down, as the doctor told me that you were gone.Now I have to apologize! I’m so sorry that I didn’t slow down, maybe if I had, you would have been stronger to fight, I’m sorry I failed to protect you and to hold you longer in my womb. I’m sorry I didn’t spend more time with you.
You have to know that I loved you and that I still love you more then words can ever explain! You were everything to us, supporting you was all I lived for. I should have protected my tiny little angel but instead you got sent right back up to heaven cause little angel it wasn’t your time.We have learned so much because of you.I used to blame myself because you were gone but I know that I did my best even though it will never seem like it was enough. God needed you more though he needed you to protect all the other little angels. At nights in my dreams sometimes I think I can hear you telling me to be strong, that it’s all okay and that we can do this. But I’m just so scared, scared to lose another little treasure, scared I’ll have nothing left, scared to let you down.
I know you are safe and warm and watching over us, waiting for the right time to come back to us and stay.For now know that I love you very much and miss you so much!
I love you always Mommy and Daddy

Just for shits n giggles

I started watching this show because of my son and i fell in love with this cahracter cheese, here are some of his funniest moments
Don't forget to stop the music player







and this is blue remeber him you'll need it later...

back from costa Rica!

photos to come soon! for now i leave you with this:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace

hey there internet

Sorry i've been M.I.A., but since darren's been gone i've been working all sorts of crazy hours and by the time i get home i'm exhausted!
Not really much has happened, we are again in the 2WW and for whatever reason i feel optimistic, for starters i got my first + OPK on CD10 when that is usually the date i start taking the OPK and the get a + usually CD12 or so, also i've been consistent with the EPO and i also bough organic rasberry leaf tea and drank my 3 cups daily, i think it helped my CM because i think for the 1st time i had an abundant amount of EWCM!
i hate being optimistic because i don't want to be crushed! but i am, i blame my husband, he is so hopeful each and every cycle his faith and enthusiam is so freaking contagious! did i mentio i adore him?
In other news i leave tomorrow for Costa Rica with my friend Julie, should be fun, we have a bunch of things planned out, going to my mom's friend's farm, then to the beach, then to the volcanoes, then swimming with dolphins! i can't wait for this last one its one of my "things-i-need-to-do-when-i-grow-up" list
i will def post pics when we get back!
so for now hasta luego!

moving on

So i've come to realize that maybe my getting pregnant was just a fluke, i mean serioulsy temping and charting and doing it all by the book it still took 14 months only for it to be robbed from us...twice! the one month i basically gave up was the month i got pregnat. My mom say its because i don't relax enough and let it happen, HA if it were only that simple then why does brith control even exist if its a matter of mind(stress) over body? whatever!
I've decided to just let it go, i'm looking into adoption but its so expensive, then i think you know i already have a gorgeous son who is my life and my world, and maybe we are just supposed to cherish him. don't get me wrong we do already but maybe instead of focusing so much attention to TTC, i should direct it to my family, my boys who are my everything. So its a process that has begun, not the best way possible since i finally let myself go and had expresso, beers, a cigarette(not the best i know) and much more. I finally enjoyed sex with my husband as a fun thing to do not as a we have to because the test says we do and its that time. Don't get me wrong we aren't completely giving up, i'm still charting and taking OPK's the folic acid and EPO, but other than that, i'm not being anal about it any more!
so take that universe/god/insert whatever here! here's your damn white flag from my end!
I don't care anymore!

I though this was cute so i stole it

I stole this from michelle lee.

8 Things I Am Passionate About
1. My son

2. my husband

3. family

4. photography / scrapbooking traditional & digital

5. making a baby or at least trying to

6. the nest of course i would die without those ladies!

7. being a wife, being a mother my son looks up to

8. Animals, all shapes and sizes! i want to become a wildlife rehabilator. Elvis(our baby squirrel) opened my eyes to so much and how fragile they are

IHO
Elvis R.I.P.

8 Things I Want To Do Before I Die (in no particular order)

1. Give my husband the joy of preganacy and birth

2. Be someone amazing

3. See my son grow up well and someday start his own families and achive his dreams

4. be debt free.

5. travel more

6. finish my nursing career

7. be able to give back and actually be able to afford doing so! lol
.
8.resue many animals and help them out

8 Things I Learned This Past Year

1. I am WAY stronger that I ever thought that I was.

2. I have the best family in the world, and a truly supportive husband

3. Strangers can be amazing uhmm hello the nest PL board in particular and now the TTCAL.

4. Life sucks sometimes but you have to ick yourself up and keep going its all there is to do..

5. Each person is world in themselves, you never know what happines or sorrows hide behind their face.

6. hating God/universe doesn't help it only makes you more bitter..trust me be there still doing doing it.

7. Your Body can turn on you when least expected. like my mom always says men make plans God runs them in my case it s my ever failing body!

8. You need to be positive. at least at times

8 places I want to see

1. Tahiti

2. italy

3. Brazil

4. Egypt

5. colorodo rockies

6. hawaii.

7. paris.

8. greece.

8 things I miss

1. being a kid nothing to think about but playing

2. my son being a baby i forget how tiny he used to be.

3. my parents taking care of everything.

4. being positive about pregnancy the innoce of it is gone for me.

5. Being naive about pregnancy.

6. high school i loved it.

7. life after HS living in Costa RIca all by myslef it made me grow up but in a good way!

8. my grandmother i see her once a year now and i miss her and her cooking

8 things I currently want/need

1. sleep.

2. a bigger house.

3. money would help too.

4. to start excersising again.

5. BFFP.

6. a bigger kitchen.

7. to see my friends more.

8. not to fail at my mom's business! 20 years + of building it up is now all in my hands!.

In the 2WW again

Except this time i'm not being anal! I POAS only once and that was because i wanted beers that night!lol of course BFN. To be honest i really don't care anymore it just seems every cycle i get another slap n the face when AF shows and i've had it, 2 1/2 years and loosing 2 babies in a row is more than any woman should have to endure. so yes call me a quitter i gave up, i'm only charting to have some sort of idea when AF will show up so i don't get a sneak attack at the pool or at a party! We now have sex for fun! go figure isn't it the way it should always be especially when your married?!
Michael is hopeful this cycle he asks me evry morning what did my temps do. he notices little things or big in his mind,like the fact that my boobs have been REALLY hurting the last 3 days enough for me to notice and not wear a bra the last 2! also i've been peeiing for what seems every five minutes and even having to get up and run to the bathoroom at 3am which is usually unheard of for me. I haven't really increased the uptake of liquids like i should so i can't pin point as to why its happening but oh well.
This is how nonchalant i am about this whole TTC crap i didn't even know when i was supposed to test for this months, but i was forced to figure it out because
1. we have a bacholor/ette party we are going to and everyone drinks and we are spending the night at a hotel!
2. i 'm going to costa rica on aug 12 and i would like to know if i'll be on my on as far as xanax and the plane goes!
so potential test date is this coming friday or sat morning.
Since my cycles are back to O on CD12-14 i would assume i'm back on a 28 day cycle AF should be here july 28th, if my body decides it like the 30 day cycle then AF would be here aug 1.
I'm testing this weekend on a need to know basis for the party, no other reason.

I've been slacking!

sorry for taking such a long time on updating, but since my mom left it has been crazy taking over her business.
Anyway as you may already know clomid failed last cycle, i was all set to move on to 150mg but the damn pharmacy decided no one is allowed to get meds on 4th july so i couldn't start it on time and instead of starting it late i figured i would just skip the cycle all together and go natural! well one good thing about it is i finally confirmed that clomid WAS to blame for my late O date CD17-19, i finally got an O date of CD12-15 which is what my normal used to be prior to both m/c. I'm hoping this means something although I'm not an overall optimistic person I'm more of a realist prepare for the worse hope for the best, I'm hoping that if we time it right maybe just maybe.
But who knows with only one tube my chances are already reduced to 6 months out of the year or so, bummer, i try not to let it get me down but after so many months of(years) of trying being successful only to loose them both and now failing again it has taken a toll on my enthusiasm i just can't hold out hope anymore, like i told Michael yesterday, maybe i should go steal something smoke some crack and do a couple of shots while I'm at it then sign up for food stamps and welfare and any other thing to milk out the government after all it is what it takes to get knocked up right!
i kid i kid i don't want to be any of those things i just us to have a healthy baby who makes it to 40 weeks then comes out kicking and screaming!
well enough rambling that's all for now!

looks like clomid failed again

although AF hasn't shown up yet making me 1 day late i think that based on my temp drop this morning she is right around the corner! the bitch!
I'm really devasted because i thought we couldn't have timed it better than we did and that with 100mg of clomid it would surely do the trick but i was proven yet agin how much my body hates me and won't cooperate.
I have one last chance this cycle Dr. F is consoidering another round of 100mg of clomid possibnly 150mg and then its over if it doesn't work.
I hate that i can't do this for my husband he deserves to know what an amazing journey this can be from the start, he is an amazing father and and i see how he is with his nephew and it tears my heart apart seeing him and not being able to give him one of his own.
Well let's hope another 100-150mg does it because otherwise we have to go back to relying on me and yeah we know how that worked out the first 2 times.
I HATE MY BODY have i said that enough?
i hate my body!

store up and running

A while back i contemplated the idea of starting my own consignment store but quickly gave up on the idea due to the fact that renting a place to have the store where i live is probably about the same as our mortgage and having it at our house was out of the question, our dog is psychotic to say the least!

So then MH suggested i do it onl;ine, yeah its more hassle because now i have to photograph all the items and them write descriptions then upload and make the listing.
somehow i was able to do most of it today i have about 10 more items to go but so far so good,
take a look for yourselves and by golly bid if you want to!
my store listing

In other news My temp spiked again puttin a potential O date for this past tuesday and we timed BD really well so keep your fingers crossed.
I feel very hopeful this cycle!

on to pineapple (again)

So it seems that the clomid actually worked. Yesterday all day i had very bad (whjat i can only describe as) bloating and just all aorund heavy feeling in my lower abdominla area specifically my ovaries. I had several twinges though out the day and then last night i felt like a pop from my right side, might have been gas, might have been the eggie releasing. We didn't BD because michael hurt his back(agian) so we did the next best thing, used the uinstead cup "pre-filled" if you have been following my blog you know what it means! i only missed the part about how i was supposed to have an orgasm for my cervix to dip into the cup???!!! well i'm not to worried i mushed in there enought to get to the cervix.
Don't look so shoked about the TMI its a blog about trying to get pg, so its gonna get messy at points!
Anyway.....
According to my charts and OPKs it looks like I ovulated late on day 18 early Day 19.
I've got a pineapple waiting to be cut so i can start making my smoothies tonight. The pineapple smoothies are something I picked up on the net. Thanks to Maybride! Pineapple, and especially the core contain a chemical called Bromelain. Bromelain helps with implantation. So you're supposed to to cut a pineapple into 5ths, and eat 1/5 a day (including the core) for five days after ovulation. I love pineapple. Not to big a fan of the core. But mashed in with yogurt and ice and the yummy pineapple chunks, the core is not too bad.

Here is my baby making arsenal for this cycle
1. clomid 100mg (cd 3-7)
2. Sex every other day since cd 10, and every day when i got + OPK
3. Pineapple core smoothies
4. Tons of Prayer

O.K. that is it. We shall see if this works. On to the 2WW...again