Today is Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness day...

Sitting down to write this post has been harder that i thought it would be.writting for me has always been an outlet, a way to express my emotions and just let it all out. Today though the words are not coming so easy and "getting it out" isn't a relief either. Our first pregnancy, the one we longed for so long, the one we celebrated so much and shared with our loved ones, the one that on valentine's day's was announced to us was over, that baby would have turned 2 this past Sept.
There is not one single day since that moment where i don't miss and think about our baby. We went on to get pregnant 5 more times since and lost 4 more babies.
Time has helped to ease the pain. the wound is still open though and i don't know that it will ever fully close let alone heal. My heart aches for my babies, for the "what could've been" I can't help feel like i failed my husband over and over, my family, myself. i mean come on i am a relatively healthy young woman. No 28 year old looses babies like this.
Well i did and in my heartache i also feel extremely guilty because i DO have a gorgeous perfect little boy who looks yup at me and just smiles this big toothy grin and gives me slobbery wet kisses and some women well they don't have that, and here i am feeling sorry for myself.
I feel like i'm cheating my baby out of love by grieving and when i'm sobbing while he sleeps i feel an incredible amount of guilt because he deserves to have me, all of me.
but yet my heart is broken and it hurts and there is a void that will never fill.
I wanted desperately to have him and somehow make the pain a bit more tolerable but its not the same.
please don't get wrong i adore my sons and i am eternally grateful to the good Lord for allowing me such a blessing, but my heart aches.
some days are better than others, some are just dark and i feel so alone in this even though and unfortunately i am not,its a hard thing to deal with.
to all my sisters out there who have lost their child, along with my 5 candles i am lightning tonight i will also light one for your babies and say a prayer that the void and pain is bit more tolerable.

 

I got this from a fellow bumpie's mom and it has the dates of our 2 babies, little did i know 3 more would need to be added when all was said and done.
check them out at inscriptions of the heart