9 months!

Holy crap where did the time go?
How is it that i have a 9 month old crawling/cruising/ 8 tooth baby?
its crazy how we spent 39 weeks wishing they could just fly by so we could finally hold you and now another 39 weeks have flown by and man do we wish time would just stand.
You amaze us everyday with how cheerful and happy you are and how you look at your brother...oh it melts my heart.
You are one very determined little man, when you get something in your head there is no stopping you...hmmm wonder where you get that from
You love Gymboree and climbing all those fun contraptions gets youi so excited.
You love meal time and will always reach fr anything on our plates, and you make it very clear what you like, apples and most fruits, and what you don't like, potatoes, and cereal.
although you still love nursing, and i get a joy out having that be "our" time.
I love how at night in bed you like to stick your tootsies in my legs so you can feel me there.
and watching you sleep is magical, sometimes you let out this huge smile while sleeping and i hope your dreams are always this sweet and happy.
it has been an amazing ride watching you transform from newborn to baby and to thing you will be 1 in just 3 months is insane!
We...well I since i'm incredibly OCD am already planning your party, and since it will be a joint BIG milestone party 1 for you and 10 for your brother, what else than a thing 1 thing 2 theme?!
yay
keep shinning my boy you are our sunshine

Your cake...so yummy

Love the faces you make!

look at those chunky monkey thighs!

Update and wow i suck at blogging!

Well not really, maybe just a little, but so much has happened since my last post. I was having a very hard time with that date and i think it hit me more because we knew we had to put our beloved ju-ju to sleep. Zoe was such a huge part f our lives she was our little princess and was the sweetest ferret you will ever have met. she thrived on cuddling and giving kisses she was just a doll plain and simple. Having to say goodbye to her so close to those dates was very hard. I cried alot and i think it wasn't just for her, but i cried for my babies.

People assume that once you get your take home baby then it should be ok for you to get over the other losses, let me tell you something...you don't...well at least i don't. My heart is broken and will probably never heal and then i also feel extremely guilty because i have this amazing bouncing happy boy who just want to be held all the time and loved and here i am missing what could've been, it sucks to be in that position and while i will never change how we got here since it made us stronger. it still and will always hurt.

But i digress , Zoe will be missed terribly and some of you may be thinking "but she was just another animal" to us she was another baby, our baby, and now she is gone.
I know in my heart it was better this way. She was diagnosed with insulinoma which is very common in ferrets and although she did very well on prednisone for about a month, her little body could not take any more and she was starting to show signs of internal bleeding and very labored breathing. i wanted to be selfish and keep her for as long as possible BUT i was not willing to let her suffer.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness day...

Sitting down to write this post has been harder that i thought it would be.writting for me has always been an outlet, a way to express my emotions and just let it all out. Today though the words are not coming so easy and "getting it out" isn't a relief either. Our first pregnancy, the one we longed for so long, the one we celebrated so much and shared with our loved ones, the one that on valentine's day's was announced to us was over, that baby would have turned 2 this past Sept.
There is not one single day since that moment where i don't miss and think about our baby. We went on to get pregnant 5 more times since and lost 4 more babies.
Time has helped to ease the pain. the wound is still open though and i don't know that it will ever fully close let alone heal. My heart aches for my babies, for the "what could've been" I can't help feel like i failed my husband over and over, my family, myself. i mean come on i am a relatively healthy young woman. No 28 year old looses babies like this.
Well i did and in my heartache i also feel extremely guilty because i DO have a gorgeous perfect little boy who looks yup at me and just smiles this big toothy grin and gives me slobbery wet kisses and some women well they don't have that, and here i am feeling sorry for myself.
I feel like i'm cheating my baby out of love by grieving and when i'm sobbing while he sleeps i feel an incredible amount of guilt because he deserves to have me, all of me.
but yet my heart is broken and it hurts and there is a void that will never fill.
I wanted desperately to have him and somehow make the pain a bit more tolerable but its not the same.
please don't get wrong i adore my sons and i am eternally grateful to the good Lord for allowing me such a blessing, but my heart aches.
some days are better than others, some are just dark and i feel so alone in this even though and unfortunately i am not,its a hard thing to deal with.
to all my sisters out there who have lost their child, along with my 5 candles i am lightning tonight i will also light one for your babies and say a prayer that the void and pain is bit more tolerable.

 

I got this from a fellow bumpie's mom and it has the dates of our 2 babies, little did i know 3 more would need to be added when all was said and done.
check them out at inscriptions of the heart

moving everywhere

Babyproofing was always in the back on mind and while i didn't want my home to becaome ne big bubble i also did not want to see my little man get hurt. the kitchen has a gate and unless we are there with him G doesn't really have access to it. so mainly he stays in the living room in this big looks-like-its-made-for-the-dog thing.

we have a big plush comfy throw from restoration hardware that i got last christmas. and a whole bunch of toys for him to play with while i cook.
Most of the other times we are upstairs and there is my problem area. besides the obvious power plugs i didn't think of much else. Turns out my dresser drawers and ***EEKK** my make up table are all fair game.
SO i just got back from BRU with some of these little babies.

i hope for now it works. he is becoming so mobile and with him cruising also just makes for a whole lot of headaches to come