not a good day

I've been really emotional the last couple of days, I had a cry fest on Sunday, i haven't cried like that since Feb 14th. I thought i was ok or better, i though i had finally gotten stronger, man was I wrong. I am back down to feeling broken and just shattered. AF is nowhere in sight but 3 consecutive BFN's are just a big blow to me, telling me how much my body is falling me again and a reminder that if i had some chance before it is now cut by 50% since i have only one tube left. I know a healthy pg can happen with only one tube but i still feel so devastated.
I know i will never let go of my angels, but some days are so much harder than others and i just wish i had my 5 month belly or 9weeks with the second.
Just a bad couple of days all around and i 'm really feeling sorry for myself. I am dreading having AF show up since it will be another slap in the face that the clomid didn't do squat.

how i'm killing time

I decide that instead of obsessing over what DPO I'm on I'll keep myself busy with thing that have been laying around because I'm such a procrastinator ie:

i have the following event to scrapbook
~ 2 really huge vacations jan 07 and jan 08 Disney trip/Darren's bday 1200/2400 pics respectively. oy

~ saint patty's day
~ our night out with BIL
~ our day at the park
~ memorial weekend

Then i have a ton of clothes that i need to photograph and set up for my project of setting up and ebay store. There are so many cute baby things that i need to get a move on because a lot of it is summer-y. once that is up I'll post my seller ID if anyone wants a looky.

If I'm not pg then i need to start a good 3 week workout regime for a b-day party we'll be going to and for my trip in august to costa rica, i saw my legs yesterday and all i can say is eeekkk i need to workout!
I hope everyone had a good memorial weekend, ours was good, had a bad Sunday morning due to some unsettling news i received, i got mad cried and vented with michael about it and although I'm somewhat OK, I decide to take the low road for now and just completely avoid the situation, after my 2 losses its just to early and raw for me to pretend to be happy at the moment, so instead of being mean I'm just avoiding.

7 DPO oh the wait is killing me!

here is where i am:
sleepy - can't keep my eyes open type of tired
nauseous - 3 days in a row, dry heaving kind
cravings - ice cream and angel food cake with strawberry syrup anyone? ohh banana pancakes!
Crmaps - not the bend over holding yourself i'm about to die type of cramps but enough that i can feel them.
i think i'm reading into this too much and its only 7DPO!
I've been taking my pineapple core juice for 5 days now, still taking PNV and extra folic acid oh and the maca root pill, also adding wheat germ to whatever i can, cereal fruit, smoothies ect.
Btw i found this out reading somewhere :
Add Wheat Germ Oil, wheat germ, or Wheat Germ Pearles to the diets of both the prospective mother and father. Wheat germ has lots of zinc and selenium in it and works on the body to dilate both the fallopian tubes and the seminiferous tubules. This makes the transport of both egg and sperm easier. It also helps to increase sperm counts, motility, healthy morphology and the number of effective, fertile sperm. Three capsules, ½ teaspoon oil, or two tablespoons wheat germ is the usual dose.

So hopefully this cycle is or cycle but we have another week to go before we can even begin to think about testing. fingers and toes still crossed.

so it begins

The driving myself craxy during this 2 week wait. I have conflicting reports from my charts of when i actually O'ed as you may know, I am going to stick by the OPK's and say i O'ed late sunday into monday which would put me at 5DPO. Someone on the nest yesterday tld me they had read implantation can occur as early as 3DPO, so of course i am WAY overanalzing every twinge, pull, cramp, pain that i get and I'm trying to be rational here, but then i analize it again.
Oy this waiting game sucks, have I mentioned i'm so not a patient person.
I don't want to get excited #1 because i don't want to get excited, #2 because My husband is witnessing all this and i don't want him to get excited #3 have i mentioned how much it scares the crap out of me to se those 2 lines again?!
so now we wait some more, ican officlally test on the 31, i think i may wait till the 7th, then again i'm not patient.

I've been on a decorating Kick

First I convinced Michael we should paint our room and i got him to do it the color i wanted, he loves it now, we picked a very pale baby blue and the room just feels so calm and peaceful. We bought a new bed set sheets and all in a rich chocolate brown, and new curtains. I love how our room looks so pulled together now. Except for michael's desk which no matter how much i clean up is always filled with papers.


Next paint project is the living room and Darren's bedroom.
We also painted the bathroom a light honey color, there is brown and gold accents there so it looks very cool.
I finally got a spot for my makeup vanity, i love having a place to do my makeup and the bathroom counter was not cutting it.

Then look at the incredible job Michael did on the tile we had ordered from amanda's mom. Her website is called inscriptions of the heart and they did an amazing job.
I love the way it looks and check it our brown and blue! looks like its our theme colors right now.



Now we just have to decide if we want it in our room or in the living room.

I finally got my big O

No not the one cosmo always talks about that makes your eyes roll back into your head and your toes curl in ways you though were never possible. I mean O as in ovulation the MOST important aspect of TTC since without it there is no baby to be made no egg to be fertilized. My normal O date is around CD12-14 well i was well past that point this cycle and I figured the clomid must have screwed me up. Which is weird since its supposed to make you O if you don't or in my case since i regularly do just make it stronger, I did find this though:
Clomid (Serophene/clomiphene citrate) can cause a false positive in OPKs if taken too soon after finishing the prescription. According to most of the manufacturers you should wait at least 3 days before using an OPK. If you take Clomid days 3-7 you can begin testing on day 10. If you take it 5-9, you should wait until day 12

Oh well since i was following the SMEP it said to keep doing OPKs which i did and finally Friday i got a dark line...yeah...probalem Michael and I had a blow out so we didn't BD that night, we did make up the next day and took care of business so for 3 days in a row res today and then again tomorrow even though as of yesterday the line got lighter making think i must have O'ed during the weekend, well if that is the case then we have a good chance. FF says i O'ed on Friday which i'm thinking is wrong since sat and sund i was still getting positive OPKs. TCOYF chart says i O'ed yesterday, the day i got a negative. I'm more inclined to believe it happened yesterday or even the day before. i guess time will tell. For those who don't know what the purpose of an OPK is here a crash course:
An OPK is a test that looks for luteinizing hormone (LH). Just prior to ovulation, women experience a short surge where the LH level rises to a higher level. The OPK will help you pinpoint this surge and help you predict when you will ovulate.

So we are officially in the 2ww so now i get to be even more paranoid about every little thing that will be happening to my body and wait for AF to show up or for our BFP. I'm hoping its the later although it scares the crap out of me to see that result again.

What my names means based on numerology

want to try it for yourself, the go here

You entered: vivian
There are 6 letters in your name.Those 6 letters total to 32There are 3 vowels and 3 consonants in your name. What your first name means:
Latin
Female
Lively.
English
Female
Variant of Vivien, the Lady of the Lake In Malory's 'Mort d'Arthur'. Also Merlin's enchantress.
Your number is: 5
The characteristics of #5 are: Expansiveness, visionary, adventure, the constructive use of freedom.
The expression or destiny for #5:The number 5 Expression endows with the wonderful characteristic of multi-talents and versatility. You can do so many things well. The tone of the number 5 is constructive freedom, and in your drive to attain this freedom, you will likely be the master of adaptability and change. You are good at presenting ideas and knowing how to approach people to get what you want. Naturally, this gives you an edge in any sort of selling game and spells easy success when it comes to working with people in most jobs. Your popularity may lead you toward some form of entertainment or amusement. Whatever you do, you are clever, analytical, and a very quick thinker.
If there is too much of the 5 energy in your makeup, you may express some the negative attitudes of the number. Your restless and impatient attitude may keep you from staying with any project for too long. Sometimes you can be rather erratic and scatter yourself and your energies. You have a hard time keeping regular office hours and maintaining any sort of a routine. You tend to react strongly if you sense that your freedom of speech or action is being impaired or restricted in any way. As clever as you are, you may have a tendency to make the same mistakes over and over again because much of your response is glib reaction rather that thoughtful application. You are in a continuous state of flux brought by constantly changing interests.
Your Soul Urge number is: 1
A Soul Urge number of 1 means: Your Soul Urge is the number 1. With a Soul Urge number of 1, you want to lead and direct, to work independent of supervision, by yourself or with subordinates. You take pride in your abilities and want to be recognized for them. You may seek opportunities to display your strength and usefulness, wanting to create and originate. In your desire to manage the big picture and the main issues, you may often leave the details to others.
The positive 1 Soul Urge is Ambitious and determined, a leader seeking opportunities. There is a great deal of honesty and loyalty in this character. If you possess positive 1 Soul Urge qualities, you are very attainment oriented and driven to success. You are a loyal friend and strictly fair in your business dealings.
The negative side of the 1 Soul Urge must be avoided. A negative 1 is apt to dominate situations and people; the home, the spouse, the family and the business. Emotions aren't strong in this nature. If you possess an excess of 1 energy, you may, at times, be boastful and egotistic. You must avoid being too critical and impatient of trifles. The great need of the 1 Soul Urge is the development of friendliness, and a sincere interest in people.
Your Inner Dream number is: 4
An Inner Dream number of 4 means: You dream of being a very solid citizen that people can depend upon. You strive for organization and predictable order. You want to be recognized as a person with a plan and the discipline to make that plan work like clockwork.

This about sums it up

This has been a very trying cyle and its our First one post m/c. Well i can tell you that clomid had no bad side effects, ican tell you that i know it worked because i have no CM and its crucial to have that along with temps to know if you O or not. which is even nore crucial because without O there is no egg released, without an egg...well there is nothing to be fertilized by Michael's spermies. so basically I know nothing. To make matters worse the OPK's keep giving me very faint lines but nothing that comes close to a positive so i can't confirm that i did or didn't or if i'm just gearing upi for it but not actually have it happen.
its very frustrating and although some girls on the nest keep telling me not to loose hope that based on my chart they think i haven't O'ed yet. I hope they are right since all i have to go by now are my temps.
In the meantime this video hits the nail on the head!


thanks to Imissmylittleone for posting this on TTCAL

Mother's day

A girl on the nest posted this and I was intears as i read it, praying and holding out hope its true and my baby angels really are watching over me.

Dear Mr.Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped into visit, your stores to find a card.
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.
There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside.
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.
I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
That though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories, our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?
My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night.
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She prays for other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.
So you see Mr.Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth,
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth.
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth on Mother’s Day will do.
Thank you Mr.Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.

The crazy things I'm doing this cycle

Well as you all know we are doing the sperm meets egg plan, here are "add-ons" to supplement the plan
CD1 - yay AF showed
CD5 - started clomid 50mg for cd5-9
CD8 - start BD every other day until positve OPK
CD10 - take robitusim to help with CM that clomid can dry out.
I have also been drinking green tea, a glass at night since AF showed, its supposed to help with CM too.
once i get +OPK i start the pineapple thing:
here is the low-down:
Using Pineapple to Assist Implantation:
Pineapple contains bromelain. Bromelain is a proteolytic enzyme that breaks up proteins that inhibit embryo implantation. Consuming a whole pineapple (focusing on the core as it has the highest concentration of Bromelain) during a fertility cycle can be beneficial.
For IVF cycle: consume equal amounts over five days, beginning on the day of your embryo transfer.
IUI cycle: consume equal amounts over five days, beginning on the day of your IUI.
Timed intercourse cycle: consume equal amounts over five days, beginning on the day after ovulation.
Note: Be careful not to start consuming pineapple too early in the cycle. Beginning to consume pineapple BEFORE the recommended days above can actually affect your vaginal and cervical mucus PH, making it more acidic.
Bromelain is the key here, so I don't see why Bromelain pills/supplements wouldn't work, but hey... I'm no doc. I know that your body absorbs more vitamins from actual food products than pills, but sure... I think Bromelain supplements would work just fine. As for the portions, I was told to buy a whole pineapple and divide into 5 portions, eating one portion every day from the day of ovulation.

So there you have it that is what i have to look forward to this cycle and i hope its all worth it, because as much as i love pineapple it kills my tongue, i mean even pineapple cocktails kill me!
But its all worth it if in the end we get our baby.

Small update

I have been MIA so here is a quick up to date news. I started clomid on Monday and so far no side effects actually very minimal, last night I had the hot flashes, but with the fan on i was able to fall asleep rather quickly. I am very sleepy today and my ears are burning, i don't know if the later is a s/e or not but its happening.

Other thatn that not much more to report on the home front. All is quick, we had a great dinner friday night with some friends at Stir crazy, i have to tell you even though i no longer work there and going back actually just etched in my mind even more that i never should've gone back, i still love their food!

Saturday we went to IKEA and bought darren his new bed, we actually decided on a different models with 3 big...read huge drawers underneath it. We still have to buy the bookcase/headboard, but his room already looks great. I saw these cute letters in the land of nod catalog that have become my next to-do project for the wall above his headboard.

Sunday we lounged around. monday we had margaritas and tacos for dinner, last night was tv night, and tonight my hubby is watching american idol as I type.

OHHH SEX IN THECITY PROMO I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NKOTB on TOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry its little thing that make me happy
BTW here are some cute pics from 2 weeks ago when Silvio & Tonya came down to visit.
We had a blast

Well that's all folks...for now.

2 in one day?

I just had to post this!
SHE'S HERE!!!!!!! The red-headed bitch is here!
I am so happy to see her that i started jumping around the bathroom freaking the dog out in the process!
This ( i hope anyway) means that my body is somewhat back on track and i can start the clomid and the pineapple and the Robitussin and the green tea and the maca root( i think) and more importantly the sperm meets egg plan!
wahoo!...the what meets what plan you say? here is an overview if you want more detailed information go here
but in a nutshell:

Short Version:
"Try" every other night starting Day 8
Buy 10 ovulation predictor kit sticks
Begin ovulation testing on Day 10
When test is positive, "try" that night, plus two additional nights in a row
Skip one night, then do one last "try"
Take a home pregnancy test 15 days after your ovulation test was positive, if your period has not begun
If your ovulation test never goes positive, continue "trying" every other night until Day 35, then do a pregnancy test if your period has not begun.

that is some serious loving to be done! I'm sure Michael will be over the moon with this one! (that was sarcasm you sensed there!

A few of my favorite things

Not much to report on the home front, still waiting on the red-head serpent to show. tic toc tic toc time goes by... tic toc.
anyway in the meantime i wanted to share some stuff that i have been able to try thanks to a great program that one of my fellow nesties turned me on to. She speaks. thanks buckeyedbabe99!
These are 2 things that they have sent me to try and made be in a where-has-this-been-all-my-life??? mode.
Let's start shall we:

Shhh “Splash” a toilet freshener - It’s not like air fresheners that blend with odor.This liquid product was formulated to stop odor before it starts.Just a squirt into toilet water prior to using the restroom and you’ll walk out worry free. And to my shock this stuff really works, i had a couple of people test it out at home when they had to do #2 and when i walked in afterwards no smell or stink! its now a staple in our bathroom!


Nic sticks by OPI these things OMG I'm hooked. Until i started taking PNV i never knew the potential my nails had, all i knew was if they needed to be nice for say a wedding well lee press on were my friend. Not anymore thanks to PNV my nails grow like crazy and have become harder, they are still on the thin side so they would always bend but not break making for any polish to be virtually impossible to last longer that a day without chips. Well with this stuff they lasted 3 whole days with only minute discoloration to the tips. I love that they dry super fast, by the time i was done with the second hand the first was already dry! completely dry like tie my shoes on dry. def try them !

Kate in a Jar: This green goop may look like mud, but it will exfoliate your face until it’s as smooth and soft as a baby’s bottom. You just need to apply a small amount all over your face (avoiding the sensitive eye area) and wait sixty seconds. Rinse and your face will be glowy, soft, and radiant. I especially love this product’s uber-hygienic dispensing mechanism– even though I had to call Kate Somerville customer service to figure out how to use it!

bare essentials - I love well everything about all their stuff. I have never been one to wear makeup everyday, and even when i had to for work it was minimal, well after much pushing from my friend julie i finally tried the stuff. I was in love! i tired their foundation and it was so light and perfect, i still won't wear it for everyday because i don't like to touch my face and feel powder but still its the most I've ever come close to as far as foundation and i love it. Their eye shadows last forever and i love their buxom babes lip gloss collection it has plumpers in it but instead of tingle (lip venom anyone) it's almost minty..think Burt's bee's chapstick or CO bigelow mint lip gloss. very yummy and pretty colors. my last buy was the ginger lip gloss.