I finally started

I had dipped my feet in photography...well who hasn't these days? ever since i got my bday present from me to me, my cancon rbel XT. I love this camera we had a chance to test it out in Disney this past January and got some really amazing pics!

Well i finally took the plunge and since Michael had gotten me photoshop i started spreading the word, mostly to friends and what not, well i got my first paying client, she's a friend actually but she wanted some pics of her kids, here are some of my faves:

and please leave your thoughts on my comments i need critique but be gentle i'm still really new to this!

New food network show..i'm in love

Those of you that know me know i love to Cook, which if you ask my mother only happened when I got engaged to Michael, hey the way i see it in my defense i didn't need to learn how to cook when i was living at home because she would always do it anyway so why to meals, besides i knew how to make scrambled eggs and french toast and pancakes, all i need to survive when 18.

Anyway i do agree with her that i took it more seriously after we got engaged because now I HAD to learn.

Well i am very proud to say i have accomplished that and actually consider my self a very good cook, yes I'm cocky about it because i make a mean beef wellington and from what i hear its not an easy feat.

Well while confined to bed rest after my surgery i came upon a new show on the food network and I'm in love and more motivated than ever to try new things. Its called simply delicioso and it lets me make more latin inspired meals than what i make now. For example this was our dinner and dessert last night:

Quick Pulled Pork Chica-dillas


(2 to 3-pound) pork tenderloin, cut in 1 1/2-inch slices, quartered ( i used almost 2pds and have some left over)
1 (12-ounce) bottle beer (i used corona of course)
2 tablespoons papaya nectar or juice ( found in the goya section of most supermarkets)
1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
1/4 cup ketchup
1 cup regular barbecue sauce
2 chipotle peppers in adobo, seeded and chopped (left these out as i don't do heat)
2 teaspoons Delicioso Adobo, recipe follows
20 flour tortillas
2 cups grated queso fresco or farmer's cheese ( i uised a mix of white shredded cheeses, mozz, jack ect)
3 avocados, thinly sliced
Cilantro leaves

Mix all ingredients (except tortillas, cheese, avocados, and cilantro) together in a large, heavy saucepan. Bring to a boil over medium-high heat, stirring frequently. Reduce heat to medium-low, cover and simmer for 30 to 45 minutes, stirring occasionally. Shred the pork, using 2 forks, or mashing with a potato masher. Put shredded pork back into sauce and mix ingredients. Cover up and cook on low for another 10 to 15 minutes.
In a large skillet over medium heat, cook a tortilla about 2 minutes on each side. Spoon some pork onto the tortilla and top with 4 to 5 avocado pieces and cilantro. Heat up another tortilla until toasted and add cheese. Cook until cheese is melted. Place the second tortilla cheese side down on top of the pork and avocado. Cut into 4 slices and repeat process. Garnish with cilantro and serve.

Delicioso Adobo:
1 teaspoon parsley flakes
1 teaspoon onion powder
1 teaspoon garlic powder
1 teaspoon cumin powder
1 teaspoon achiote powder from annatto seed ( didn't have this so i skipped it)
1 teaspoon lemon pepper (didn't have this one either)
Add all ingredients and mix together.



Ranchero beans




1/2 pound sliced bacon, cut crosswise in 1/2-inch pieces
2 bay leaves
1 teaspoon dried oregano 2 teaspoons ground cumin ( i used 1/2 this stuff has bite)
1 medium yellow onion, finely chopped
1 jalapeno chile one seeded, ribbed and chopped (i didn't use)
1 (14-ounce) can chopped tomatoes with liquid ( i used dice worked well)
1 (12-ounce) can pinto beans, washed and drained ( i used black beans goya)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon fresh ground black pepper


Heat a large skillet over high heat for 2 minutes. Add the bacon and fry until crispy, about 6 minutes, stirring frequently. Transfer the bacon to a paper towel-lined plate to drain, discard all but 1 tablespoon of bacon fat. Add the bay leaves, oregano, cumin, onions, chile, tomatoes and beans to the skillet. Cook the beans on a low flame for about 20 to 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.
Serve hot in bowls.


Apple Chimichangas




1/4 cup butter
1/3 cup sugar
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 large apple cored, with skin and cut in thin slices
1 large pear, not very ripe, cored with skin and cut in thin slices
1/4 cup tequila
4 flour tortillas
1 cup vegetable oil Vanilla ice cream

Heat a heavy medium skillet over medium heat and melt butter. Add sugar and cinnamon and continue cooking until browned, about 4 to 5 minutes. Add apples and pears and cook until slightly softened, another 6 minutes. Add tequila and continue cooking until browned, another 5 to 7 minutes.
Place 1 tortilla on a plate, and spoon about 1/6th of the apple/pear mixture into the center. Roll them and tuck the ends, egg-roll style, and secure them with toothpicks.
In another skillet, heat vegetable oil over medium heat until a drop of water sizzles and pops in the oil, about 350 degrees F, and fry each chimichanga until browned and crispy, about 2 to 3 minutes per side. Transfer them to a plate lined with paper towels to drain. Remove the toothpicks and cut in half. Serve hot, topping with a scoop of the vanilla ice cream.


OMG this dessert was amazing and ready in like 20 minutes!


Check out the site the food is great, i now have so many new things to make and its helping me keep m,y head occupied too and off TTC since i am still waiting on AF to show.

OHHH did i mention before too that i was looking for something to do part time so i had applied at petco and i got the call yesterday to see if i wanted to become a K9 instructor. how fun would that be?! i have an interview on friday so we'll see hopefully their schedule will work with mine.

that's all folks@!

Baby dreams

I've been having very strange dreams lately, well actually they started when i was pregnant the first time.
3 weeks ago i had a dream i've you have seen cloverfield, it was in a setting almost like what NYC looked like towards the end of the movie, pretty much non-existent, destroyed building chaos, people running, i might have well been an extra, well anyway i was running toward the Hudson and they water was just murky, yucky, dark looking just dirty and the ski was grey almost like it get right before a thunderstorm with just hints of sun coming through, i looked up at the sky for some reason when suddenly something grabbed my arm from the water and dragged me into it pulling further and further down, whatever was pulling me looked like a mermaid-ish thing, i looked up and it just kept getting darker and darker, then i woke up. I told my mom the dream ( she's my interpreter) and she said "that's not good, dirty water means sickness, health problem and the fact that it got darker, it's a bad sickness meaning not just a plain old cold" well whataya know 3 days later i was in the ER getting prepped for surgery and she was with me, and says "remember the water? here is your illness"
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sometime early this week i dreamt i was in a melrose place the of apartment building except the end of the pool was a fence overlooking an ocean lake type of thing very pretty, i was diving into the pool ( what is it with me constantly being in water seriously!) anyway this time it was that aquamarine paradise type of blue water crystal clear, when i came back up from the dive there were frogs all over the patio surrounding the pool, i flt bad for them (don't know why don't ask) so i started to throw them in the pool thinking they would be safe in there, then i woke. my mom had no insight on this one but this place says : Frogs as Fertility Symbols, Frogs, with their prolific egg laying are potent symbols of fertility. The fertility they symbolize may be a fertility of ideas, creative power, or even prosperity. As a fertility symbol, their meaning is almost always positive. OK I'll take that even though its creepy in way that it is what we are dealing with after our 2 losses
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last night we went out for drinks with a friend, came home by 11pm and passed out, I woke this morning to a dream that i am happy about but brought so many memories back i hid in the bathroom and cried especially since i should be 18 weeks by now and at this point already!
here is what my dream was:
I woke up in a hospital room with an elder man whom I've never met as a nurse or aid but he definitely worked for the hospital and was taking care of me. Michael was coming in and out of the room, why i was there in the first place i don't know, i saw the man taking my blood pressure and the sitting by my side, he then made me walk around out side in what looked like the backside of a store, almost like an alley-way then he brought me back in and got me settled into my bed. As i was laying there i had my hands over my stomach and I was pregnant and not only that I was 21 weeks and felt the baby move and kick, i gasped and grabbed the man's hand and put it on my belly look i said and he smiled, it was such a warm smile, one of those smiles that just puts you at ease and ensues a sense of trust. I told him i wanted my husband to feel the baby too so he said he would go find him. Then i woke up. This dream was so realistic and just felt as if it was happening and not just a dream. I turned over and told Michael right away, and well as some of you may understand after 2 consecutive looses, I asked him if it meant that i would loose my baby at 21 weeks. I pray and can only wait that it doesn't turn out that way because to be honest it didn't feel like i was there for something bad, maybe just a check up?
I have to believe the frogs meant something and to be honest after 4 months of loss and hell, i have to believe that it can and will get better from here on. hey i can only dream right.

Awful company

Last Christmas i had decide to give my FIL the soundtrack of scent of a woman and so i ordered it from an online company, well i completely forgot abut the order and a couple of days before Christmas the CD had still not showed up so we went to Barnes and noble to buy it there. I meant to call the company and find out WTH was going on and get a refund or something, then on Dec 26th we found out i was pg, then it was NYE then we left jan 4th to disney...did i mention we drove the 18 hours? came back, had our u/s then the next week the m/c and D&C, then i was pg again and m/c again. The CD showed up some point in feb. not only REALLY late but the box it came in was cracked! Now their policy is no returns or exchanges after 60 days...uhm hello feb arrival put is at past 60 days so i wouldn't have been able to return it anyway. I sent them an email explaining everything and here is what they say:
Dear Vivian,This is to inform you that unfortunately due to the length of time since this item was shipped and your enquiry we are unable to issue a refund or replacement. As stated in our policy, a refund or replacement can only be ordered within 60 days of an item being shipped for lost items and 30 days for damaged items. Please contact us within 60 days of an order being shipped, thank you. Scent Of A Woman: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack [SOUNDTRACK] [Audio CD...Sincerely,Claire Customer Service

WTF i sent them a response that it was nice to see how they handle their customers, i wasn't asking for refund maybe and exchange for diff CD, but now i knew never to do business with them again!
seriously some companies make their money by ripping people off. Goes to show i should only stick with amazon when buying stuff.
rant over

My exciting purchase of the day

I was at Blockbuster returning sweeny todd...which btw is very gory and now i have the stupid song hottie depp sang to the blades "my friend.... la la la"

Anyway i walked over to Gamestop...yes i'm a game geek, and they had just received the last Expansion pack for the sims2. it's called kitchen and baths, and basically you re-model your existing kitchen and bath. I haven't played it yet but from the site it looks great, hey at least i can dream in my games.

In other news, when i got home today from the bronx, there was a huge box from walmart on our door. It's the crib comforter set we had seen on their site, i had totally forgotten about it since all the chaos that has been our life in the past months, anyway I still love it, its very gender neutral and for $40 you can't beat it. problem is i don't have crib, wait i, don't have a baby to put in my non-existent crib...better yet I'm not even pregnant! oy vey!
I had seen this at walmart online, but then saw it at Ohdeedoh where they have a tour that you can view other nurseries, what can i say I'm a masochist, and loved it even more, Anyway this is what it looks like:
this first pic is the walmart site one the second is from Ohdeedoh


I love that it looks more like the second pic, meaning the colors aren't as blinding as they appear in the walmart pic. I really like it and although i cried...ok bawled when i opened the box and realized what it was, i'm not returning. because like Michael said we will have baby to sleep on those sheets!

I also was able to finally list the bunk bed, that is darren's catch-all on craig's list, I am hoping someone buys it quick so i can go back to ikea and get him this new bed

I love that it has the pull out bed underneath for sleepovers or guest or whatever, also it has this bookcase thing with another part that pulls out, that would work great for his books, and the otter cubbi part would be his headboard part where he can put his collection of stuffed animals.

I also spied a chair that is super comfy that i can eventually use in place of a glider.

I really need to go back to work. lol

The Talk

makes you re-think many things. i was crying at the end.

in other news...

I got accepted into the nursing program i had been fighting to get into since 2001. Yes its taken me a LONG ASS time to get here, and honestly;y its a miracle i even did. I started a couple of months after Darren was born taking 3 classes at most but usually just one. Being single at the time working full time and having a newborn it wasn't easy, but somehow i managed to get B or above in all my classes. So now under my belt i have English composition I & II, Pluralism & diversity, Chemistry, Anatomy & Physiology I & II, and some phys Ed courses that were required for extra credit.
I now have left in general courses :
Microbiology
General Psychology
Life span development - this one should be interesting seeing that its basically all about conception and pg. woohoo great course for someone who has lost 2 babies.
My plan is to take psych over the summer, Tues, Wed, Thur 6-9pm for one whole month. they have 3 summer sessions 1.june-jul 2.jul-aug 3.aug-sept Yes seems extreme given its summer and my son will out of school, but well he will be going to Costa Rica with my mother for one month for vacation instead of camp this year,yes i will miss him like crazy but i can do this.
then i can start the nursing program in Sept and focus only on that instead of taking them mixed in with these other ones. microbiology and life span well micro if available i may do in one f the other summer sessions. life span i have to see emotionally where i am for that one so for now its on hold.
i am excited and really nervous, i always enjoyed school and now i have a shopping list of materials i need, nurse shirts, stethoscope, name tag, scrubs, ect..
wish me luck

finally an update..although not a good one.

Well I haven’t been exactly keeping you all very updated… my apologies, but I don not have a laptop and I could not climb 4 sets of stairs to get to my bedroom to post from my pc and my phone well can only do so much.
Anyway we left off on sat the 5th and as far as I knew I started my 2nd miscarriage on Thursday when the bleeding and clots started, I went in for betas on Friday and the numbers were not good, definitely not a viable pregnancy. I had to get more blood work on Monday to see what he numbers were doing and possibly have to get a methotrexate shot to expel any left over tissue. The weekend was uneventful, sad just gloomy all around. On Sunday night I cramped and bled again. Thinking it was merely part of the miscarriage I decided to wait it out, besides there was nothing they could do for me at the ER. I got out my heating pad, some chamomile tea and laid in bed with it tucked closely to my tummy. Monday rolled around and I went for bw at 8:30 am, Michael was with me, he was home that day...thank GOD, I went to work with my mom and the chest pain started again a bit worse than last week but still bearable. I still toughed it out. I'm tough I though, I could do this. I could go through this alone. I was alright. We got home around 12:30pm and I laid on the couch hoping, willing it to go away, I really didn’t want to go back to the ER. It didn’t get better I decided it was enough, the least they could do for me at the ER was give me some pain relief. I was wrong, there was more they could do there...like save my life! We got to good Sam at about 1pm. They didn’t take me as fast as the last time but when they checked me a second time my pulse ox was about 80, normal is 90 or above. I was given a gown to change into and IV was put in…this is not a good sign. The doctor came in and we told him the whole story from my fist loss to what we were told last week to what was happening now, he called a cardiologist to check in on me, ordered and X-ray and another internal u/s. He also got me some pain meds…yeay demoral. I had to go to the bathroom, stupid me I though I could make it there with the help of Michael and the nurse…nope I basically passed out in their arms, so she brought me a bed pan and a diaper for me… like I need to be humiliated any more at this point. Little did I know this was to be the beginning? The cardiologist came in…can I just say my mom was hitting on him while I lay there! It was pretty funny though. Anyway he said he though this was muscular and I was not having heart attack. At this point the pain in my chest had subsided but the lower left part of my belly was hurting…A LOT. Off I went to the x-ray then to U/S, the tech was a sweetheart, fist he did and regular u/s and he kept apologizing for causing me pain I kept saying its ok, then he put the wand in and his face said it all. I knew something MUST be wrong. He looked at me and said “sweetie you are hemorrhaging internally, this is definitely ectopic and it has already ruptured and I was bleeding out into my belly but on the left side, not the right like they though initially. you need surgery NOW” the rest was a blur, When I got back to the ER I still didn't have a clue what was going on at least not entirely, at this point I though ok maybe surgery to fix the pooling of blood in my uterus.. I still didn't really understand. The ER doc came back in and talked about my symptoms. Why was my arm & leg going numb again, what could cause that...blah blah blah. The next thing I know, they're hooking me up to a heart rate monitor, although the cardiologist who was also in the room said it’s probably a symptom from the internal bleeding, blood pressure is being taken every 15 minutes and pumping me full of morphine. They tell me we're waiting on my OB she'll be able to tell me more when she gets. They told me they had called my doctor and she was about 10 minutes away. Michael and my mom had no clue what happened so I told them what the tech said and started to cry. My doctor walked in and she said the tech was right, and that the pregnancy had tried to abort itself and that is where all the bleeding was coming from. She told me we didn't have much time, I needed surgery because the ectopic had ruptured and I needed surgery right away. She said I had a choice to make; she could go in remove the baby and attempt to fix the tube or just take it all out completely. I told her to take it out completely because even with her attempt to fix it didn’t guarantee the entire blockage would be removed and this could happen again later on. Michael agreed with me and we prayed for the best. At least it wasn’t my right tube since it’s my only good working one. She said the surgery is about 1 hour.They moved me to a different waiting room just outside the OR, they gave me more pain meds because the chest pain came back and I couldn’t breath, I think it was nerves at this point but I was scared. Doctor B came to check on me and explain to Michael and my mom just what she would be doing; she said on top of removing the tube she would do another D&C to make sure she gets everything out. We were so confused, at the OR doors kissed Michael and my mom, I tell them both I love them, I'm not sure Michael even said I love you, he was so in shock, but I remember saying it and breaking down and crying. In the OR I was given the blue cap to put on for surgery and they
They asked me to move from my stretcher to the OR table. I looked at the clock it was 8:15pm one of the nurses saw I was holding rosary beads and she took them from me and then placed them back in my hand with some tape so I would not loose them, then she looked at me and said “it will be alright.” That was the last thing I remember. I woke up as they were calling my name and removing the tube from my throat. I was out again and woke up again in the recovery room. The Nurse stayed with me until I was completely awake. She talked to me. She was wonderful and took excellent care of me. She brought my husband and mom back in it was 10:30pm. I have never been so happy to see them both. They told me I could go home, but my mom fought with them saying its cold out she just had surgery let her stay overnight, my doctor agreed and we waited for a bed. Michael went home to get some sleep. They took me upstairs a bit later and settled me into my room, gave me more pain killers and continued checked my vital signs. My mom stayed with me. The next morning we had breakfast and around 9am Doctor B came in to formally discharge me, she said to see her in 1 week and no sex for 1 month and we can TTC again AFTER my first AF AFTER the first month has passed, so whenever AF decides to show after may 7th we can start again. Seems like we are always starting but never finishing. She said she took a look at my right tube and it looks great. Also my ovaries are in perfect shape and she sees no reason for the next pregnancy not to be a success. I went home finally and have spent the last week sleeping in my living room on an aero bed; btw those things are very comfy. The pain has gotten better and all 3 incisions look great. I think now I have more emotional healing to do than physical. I feel beyond broken and shattered and now I have scars to prove it.
Let this be a lesson to all those who are stubborn like I once was. If you're bleeding and cramping, having a hard time breathing....you should go to the ER and be checked out right away!!!!..

Micarriage will forever change you

There is certainly an innocence lost after miscarriage. An innocence lost that can not really be explained unless you have experienced it. If you have, you’ll know exactly what I am trying to convey. It really makes itself apparent if another pregnancy occurs. Pregnancy doesn’t mean the same thing anymore. It becomes clinical. Before I ever had a miscarriage, I freely interchanged the phrases “I’m pregnant” with “I’m having a baby”. Now, they are two very different things to me. I used to live each month hoping against hope to finally see 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test. To me that was the climactic moment when everything I was working so hard for was finally realized. That moment of pure ecstasy when the test is finally positive. After carefully examining a bazillion negative tests under every light in the house, checking and re-checking, pulling them out of trash cans to inspect them yet again, finally seeing even the faintest hint of a second line was the answer to my dreams and yet so very elusive. Don’t get me wrong. I in no way believe that there is anything easy about that experience. It’s horrible. I’m not trying to say that my current experiences are any more difficult but only relaying that life is so different now and changed forever.
A positive pregnancy test now means that I’m pregnant. It means that my body is producing a measurable amount of Hcg. It does not necessarily mean that I am having a baby. It means weeks upon weeks of analyzing every symptom or lack of symptoms or it could mean just a week of doing that. I know this sounds so negative, but I don’t mean it to. It’s not that experiencing a new pregnancy means sitting around thinking the worst and certainly doesn’t mean expecting the worst. Instead, it means that a new realization has occurred somewhere deep inside of me of the absolute fragility of life. An understanding that I always had in my head but is now seared into my heart. A knowledge that it may not turn out the way I want it to just because I want it badly enough. It’s not time to pick out maternity clothes or research the best new stroller. It’s time to count each new day that I’m pregnant as a gift and one day closer to a possible happy ending. A time to look at new babies with hope knowing that at one time they were as small as the baby that I carry inside but knowing full well that the one inside has a long way to go to get there. It’s a time of living in the knowledge of what can happen. That’s why I say an innocence is lost. Pregnancy was once magical. Now the magic has been replaced by reality. Miscarriage forever changes things.
Friday it was confirmed that we have lost yet another baby. I’m a bit numb right now and it’s just not time to go into it too much. So instead, I am posting a video that Out of all of the miscarriage videos that I have posted, this one is by far my favorite. It is so well done. Word of advice, if you have lost a baby please have a tissue box ready this one will defintely get you bad.

Held

Although this video deals with divorce, the song has had such an impact on me, make sure you pause the player farther down on the right colums before you press play here.

angel

Have you ever met an angel whose smile is like the sun,Whose laugh is like a melody that reaches everyone?Have you ever hugged an angel, swept up in their embrace,And swear there's nothing in this world that makes you feel that safe?Have you ever really loved an angel?Once you have you'll never be the same again.Have you ever had to let go of an angel?Say goodbye, let him fly,My angel, my best friend.Have you felt the strength of an angel when you needed it the most?Lifted by those gentle wings, you know you're not alone.Every now and then I feel the peace inside Wherever life might take me, I'm guided by that light.Have you ever really loved an angel?Once you have you'll never be the same again.Have you ever had to let go of an angel?Say goodbye, let him fly, My angel, my best friend.Cuz I have really loved an angel,And I will never be the same again.Cuz I have had to let go of my angel,Say goodbye, let him fly,My angel, my best friend.

2 song lyrics

Sarah McLachlan - Wait
Under a blackened sky
Far beyond the glaring street lights
Sleeping on empty dreams
The vultures lie in wait
You lay down beside me then
You were with me every waking hour
So close I could feel your breath
When all we wanted was the dream
To have and to hold that precious little thing
Like every generation yields
The new born hope unjaded by their years
Pressed up against the glass
I found myself wanting sympathy
But to be consumed again
Oh I know would be the death of me
And there is a love that's inherently given
A kind of blindness offered to appease
And in that light of forbidden joy
Oh I know I won't receive it
When all we wanted was the dream
To have and to hold that precious little thing
Like every generation yields
The newborn hope unjaded by their years
You know if I leave you now
It doesn't mean that I love you any less
It's just the state I'm in
I can't be good to anyone else like this
When all we wanted was the dream
To have and to hold that precious little thing
Like every generation yields
The new born hope unjaded by their years...


TORI AMOS "Spark"
She's addicted to nicotine patches
She's addicted to nicotine patches
She's afraid of the light in the dark
6:58 are you sure where my spark is
HereHereHere
She's convinced she could hold back a glacier
But she couldn't keep Baby alive
Doubting if there's a woman in there somewhere
You say you don't want it again
And again but you don't really mean it
You say you don't want it
This circus we're in
But you don't you don't really mean it
You don't really mean it
if the Divine master plan is perfection
Maybe next I'll give Judas a try
Trusting my soul to the ice cream assassin
HereYou say you don't want it again
And again but you don't really mean it
You say you don't want it
This cirucs we're in
But you don't you don't really mean it
You don't really mean it
How may fates turn around in the overtime
Ballerinas that have fins that you'll never find
You thought that you were the bomb yeah
Well so did I
Say you don't want it
Say you don't want it
Say you don't want it again
And again but you don't really mean it
Say you don't want it
This circus we're in
But you don't you don't really mean it
You don't really mean it
She's addicted to nicotine patches
She's afraid of the light in the dark
6:58 are you sure where my spark is
Here

The fairytale is over..yet again

"Oh what a shame what a rainy ending given to this perfect day" Taylor Swift Cold as you

I went in this morning for a blood draw so they could check what the HCG level was, we went for lunch afterwards and then came home to wait fo the very anticipated doctor's call. It came around 3:30pm. If you remember from my fiasco at the ER Sunday night, my beta was 261, with today's draw it was 278. Not a good number, not doubling, for today it should have been in the 800's.
She wants me to go do another draw on Monday to see what the numbers are doing. Now we pray they are going down since the main concern at this point if they don't is that it could indeed be ectopic and i would need surgery to remove the baby and possibly damage my only good working tube, literally killing the chances of us EVER having a baby.
Will this shit never end?????
The doctor thinks I probably passed it all yesterday since the bleeding has continued and cramps are bearable, she said its a good sign that its not intense pain the kind that takes your breath away. So there is a really good chance its not ectopic but she wants to be sure.
So now we are back to square one, so this is cd2 waiting on AF yet again. Then waiting for it to come again so i can start the clomid and sperm meets egg plan. seems so far away, and it's crazy that i am even thinking about this right now, but to be honest as much as I prayed and wanted this baby to be, I also know how quickly it can be ripped from you so I tried not to get attached, we weren't going to tell anyone until we saw the HB twice, guess we never got the chance.
I am also going to ask the doctor when i speak to her again if i would need to have RPL test to see if i have a clotting disorder although with the fucking insurance we have if its even remotely considered IF workup then we are screwed because its not covered.
So here I am broken on the floor and being kicked while I'm down.

my world is crashing yet again

Last night I had a big scare, with the progesterone supplements I'd been having excess liquid which the doctor said was normal, well last night i had what i though was that, i went to the bathroom and there it was a big gush of bright red blood, followed by 2 clots, as gross as it sounds I inspected them, they weren't blobs like AF or what i had after my D&C, one was white in color which makes me believe it my have been a progesterone blob 9what the hell do i know) the other had a rubbery consistency and was dark in color like almost black-ish and it wasn't jello like.
I put a pad on and got on my knees and prayed for the baby to be ok. I called the doctor's emergency #, she got back to me and said go get betas done tomorrow, and I asked her what are the chances these could be scabs left over from the D&C...not likely she said, I'm sorry but its sounds like a m/c.
I washed the dishes, tucked darren into bed and then another clot passed this one was big..think prune and it was jello-like exactly like the ones i had passed post surgery. Great now i know this definitely over.
I went to bed and although i was no longer passing more clots the bleeding continued, still have it now, I have a noon appointment to get my betas check and like the doctor said if the levels keep going up the i guess I'm still pregnant, if they went down then I had another m/c.
When does this nightmare ever end? had i not know I was pregnant would I considered this AF? would i start the clomid this cycle?
so many questions are in my head and not very many answers, seems to be the story of my life that nothing ever goes right.
I hate that i keep letting my husband down...he deserves to live through a pregnancy and experience all of it, my body of course has other plans.
What am I doing wrong?

and so it begins!

Today started like any other day, get ready, get Darren ready for school, i made my way downstiars, and WHAM morinining sickness kicked me right in the gut. I barely made it to the bathroom in time!
Thanks GOD and Dr.girlfriend for Ginger lemon tea, what a lifesaver!
Other that that i feel good, some side effects from the progesterone but nothing like sunday night, so i can handle it!
In other news, the little boy i babysit on thursday finally figured out how to crawl, so cute i love that little man and his sister hannah is a doll!
Well that is it for now.
short post!

Just another day

Quiet day so far, took my mom's dog Paris to the groomer, spent the better part of the morning napping, wow am I tired all the time now! Then i went and cleaned our downstairs, showered and went to get my son at the bus stop. All day I've been trying to figure out what to make for dinner, I've been craving calzone since we saw it on the food network on Sunday night, so guess what's for dinner... cheese calzone with sausage and ground meat. yum can't wait.

I have made my appointments for my beta to be done, one on Wednesday morning and one on Friday morning. I will be a wreck waiting on this but I KNOW they will be good.

This is where our bean is right now and according to the nest:
Poppyseed

In week 3, sperm meets egg, and voila: conception! Your little zygote sets off on a six-day trek through your fallopian tubes, dividing and redividing into identical cells as it travels to your uterus.
In week 4, now safe in your womb, the ball of cells (blastocyst) splits in two, becoming the embryo and the placenta. The amniotic sac and fluid are forming around baby, and will act as a cushion for the next eight months.

I also like this site, it give very detailed info on where baby is and what i can except, hmm you would think after doing this once before i would remember...nope that was 7 years ago and beside i have baby amnesia..hey its proven! don't believe me look here.

wait what was i saying?

Oh yeah and I love this mantra that the ladies over at SAL have, very helpful and very positive!

--"Today I am pregnant and I love my baby."
--"I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise."

--"My past does not dictate my future. A previous m/c does not mean I will have another m/c."

--"Just because something sad is happening to another poster, does not mean it will happen to you." We all know m/c and complications are not contagious!

-- "Hope does not make bad things happen" You cannot ‘jinx’ your pregnancy by creating a ticker, getting excited, or telling someone. Live in the positive!--And this is the hardest one: "There is nothing I can do to prevent a m/c from happening. Worrying yourself sick doesn't prevent a m/c. And if (gods forbid) it were to happen again, I know I will survive."

Finally we have some answers!

Well my appointment was this morning with the OBGYN that a fellow blogger had recommended. Can you say love at first sight! let me start from the top, I got there and filled all the new patient paperwork, everyone was very friendly and nice, they had me pee in the cup, then we met with the doctor, she took us ( my mommy came with me) into her office to go over everything, she was very thorough and asked many questions, I filled her in on the whole ER fiasco. She seems optimistic, she had us go into the exam room, checked my breast did and internal u/s and she kept tilting her head and saying "hmm" alot, i got freaked but waited, then she called for the u/s tech and told me she wanted to check if she saw the same thing....the tech came in and The doctor pointed at the screen told her ER tech said possible ectopic what do you see? the tech took over and took some measurements, looked at me and said "sweetie what they saw was a cyst, that is most definitely NOT a gestational sac, i do however see a speck in your uterus which makes me believe THAT is your pregnancy and that you aren't 5 weeks but more like 3-4 especially with your beta # 265 from Sunday. Nothing is visible via u/s unless the beta is over 1000-1500"
Can i just tell you what a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. So we are pregnant albeit very early and its NOT ectopic!
Thank you Lord , thank you to all of you who have been keeping us in your prayers,
We are pregnant!
I am to get betas done twice at some point next week and then an u/s scheduled for March 14th, irony of it all, that was the day 1 month ago that I found out our baby was no longer with us.
So needless to say I am still very cautious about this as it may turn to be just a chemical pg, but i am praying and I KNOW it will be a viable pregnancy and this baby will be here, on or about my birthday this December!