just trying to get by

so this past week has been... horrible to say the least.
A very close friend of my husbands lost his battle to leukemia on Friday the 22nd, we went to his wake Sunday and it was tough for us, then as we are getting ready to leave a friend of his comes by with his wife making small talk asking how we all were and casually says "oh yeah we just had a baby on Monday" OK keep kicking me while i am down why don't ya!
Hey Jim you know how much you will be missed!
http://www.goalsmarketing.com/jimcolon
The funeral was Tuesday and being in the church broke me down even more, hearing the priest talk about loss and letting go. i held on to my husband but...damn it i want my baby back, i miss him so much! i miss turning in bed at night and giving my hubby a kiss and saying "babe we're having a baby" and just falling asleep planning, dreaming, hoping...
We went to eat afterwards and let me just say that while drowning yourself in a bottle helps, when that wears off the pain just rushes back and worse!
the innocence of being blissfully pregnant has been ripped from me. I will no longer have that joy of just being pregnant. next time every cramp and every pain will be cause for concern, every time i go to the bathroom, I will meticulously inspect the TP make sure there is no dreaded spotting or worse. it will never be the same!
I also had my post opp appointment yesterday and the doctor nonchalantly says to me "so how we doing you didn't get to depressed right it was early"
Are you f*cking kidding me! i just lost a baby, how dare you say this to me.
He also wants me to start clomid but i need to wait 2 cycles before i can do that.
So we are now in the process of looking for a new doctor, there are 2 possibly candidates, i just hate having to do this i wish it could be simple and easy.
Oh and to top it all off, we got a letter from the hospital saying our insurance approved me for either a c-section or vaginal delivery...yeay we're covered now if only i still had my baby.
as you can see this week has sucked, actually this whole month sucked!
I wish i could just wake up from this nightmare.
I finally started charting again, seems like my body is back on track, temps are all over the place but i guess its supposed to be that way for now.
Oh and i also consulted a psychic referred from the nest P&L board, i post her answer when i get them.
http://brooke777.angelfire.com
that's it for now...as if any more shit could go wrong this week....
shit i just jinx myself didn't I?

All about me in 12 months

12 months about me!

Got this on myspace... thought it was fun! Now it is your turn!

♥JANUARY♥
1. Who kissed you on New Years? my amazing husband, my oarents, the love of my life my son!
2. Did you have a New Year’s Resolution this year? nope can't keep em'
3. Does it snow where you live? there was residual left over.
4. Do you like hot chocolate? love it with extra whip cream!
5. Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop? no but I really want to.

♥FEBRUARY♥
1. Who was your Valentine? My husband
2. When you were little did you buy Valentine’s for the whole class? Yes we kinda had to
3. Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not? not really
4. What did you receive for Valentines Day? the news that we lost our baby
5. What did you give for Valentine’s Day? see above

♥MARCH♥
1. Are you Irish? nope 100% latina
2.Do you like corned beef and cabbage? separately yess
3. What did you do for St. Patty’s Day in 2007? parade...couple drinks and nite nite
4. Are you happy when winter is pretty much over? oh yeah i hate winter

♥APRIL♥
1. Do you like the rain? depends on my mood, summer rain can be fun
2. Did you play an April fool’s joke on anyone this year? yes!
3. Do you get tons of candy for Easter? nope just a cake
4. Do you celebrate 4/20? no
5. Do you love the month of April? not really.

♥MAY♥
1. What is your favorite flower? gardeni
2. ?????
3. Finish the phrase “April showers…” bring May flowers!
4. Do you celebrate May 16th: National Piercing Day? i guess since i have piercing.
5. Is May anything special to you? nope

♥JUNE♥
1. What year did/will you graduate from high school? 1997
2. Did you do anything fun during this Month? our "we eloped" wedding anniversary
3. Have a favorite baseball team? Yankees baby

♥JULY♥
1. What did you do on the 4th of July? swimming then watched fireworks from my mom's roof top
2. Did you go to the fireworks? we were 2 block from them so i guess so!
3. Did you blast the A/C all day? i can live without AC hubby says I'm a freak with the heat

♥AUGUST♥
1. Did you do anything special at the end of your summer? nope
2. What was your favorite summer memory of ‘07? having the summer off, 1st since i quit the rat race
3. Did you have a sunburn? I don't really burn, i get red for maybe 10 minutes and that's it then it tans
4. Did you go to the pool a lot? yes thanks to my son

♥SEPTEMBER♥
1. Will you be attending college/school? eventually i'll be going back to nursing school
2. Do you like fall better than summer? no
3. Plan on anything to happen this month? try to get pregnant if i am not by this time. mour our EDD of sept 3

♥OCTOBER♥
1. What was your last Halloween costume? pirate wench
2. What is your favorite candy? chocolate any kind except dark
3. What was your favorite thing(s) about this month? seeing my son go through it!

♥NOVEMBER♥
1. Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving? stay home everyone comes here!
2. What are you thankful for? my family & friends
3. Do you love stuffing? yummy.i do

♥DECEMBER♥
1. Do you celebrate Christmas? Yes
2. Have you ever been kissed under the mistle toe? i think so
3. Get anything special last year? coach stuff from hubby
4. What do you want this year? to get preganat and be able to make it all the way through to have a healthy baby

Now All You Have To Do Is Repost This As “12 Months About Me

my world in pictures

Wanna play? Here's how:
1. Go to photobucket.com
2. Type in your answer for each question into the PhotoBucket search bar.
3. Only use the first two pages. Choose your favorite photo to represent your answer.
4. Copy the html and paste it here.
5. You can only answer in picture form.

1. What is your first name?


2. When is your birthday?


3. What kind of car do you want?


4. Where did/do you go to school?


5. What is your favorite season?


6. What is your favorite type of shoe?


7. What is your status?


8. What is your favorite movie?


9. What is your favorite song?


10. Who is your favorite Disney character?


11. What is your favorite clothing line?

i couldn't find H&M

12. What is your favorite vacation destination?



13. What is your favorite dessert?


14. What is your favorite letter?


15. What are you most afraid of?


16. What is your favorite TV show?


17. What annoys you the most?


18. What is your job?
( well not the last part!

19. What is your favorite animal?


20. How old are you?

he slipped away...

some helpful advice

I just read this on another blog and I am shamelessly copying it because although I just stopped crying enough to post it, in a very painful way I find it comforting and I NEED to believe its true!
A MOTHER HAS A BABY, THIS WE KNOW IS TRUE. BUT GOD, CAN YOU BE A MOTHER, WHEN YOUR BABY'S NOT WITH YOU?

"YES, YOU CAN," HE REPLIED WITH CONFIDENCE IN HIS VOICE. "I GIVE MANY WOMEN BABIES, WHEN THEY LEAVE IS NOT THEIR CHOICE. SOME I SEND FOR A LIFETIME; AND OTHERS FOR A DAY
AND SOME I SEND TO FEEL YOUR WOMB; BUT THERE'S NO NEED TO STAY."

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS, GOD, I WANT MY BABY HERE. HE TOOK A BREATH AND CLEARED HIS THROAT; AND THEN, I SAW A TEAR.

"I WISH I COULD SHOW YOU, WHAT YOUR CHILD IS DOING TODAY. IF YOU COULD SEE YOUR CHILD SMILE WITH OTHER CHILDREN AND SAY:

'WE GO TO EARTH TO LEARN OUR LESSON'S OF LOVE AND LIFE AND FEAR, MY MOMMY
LOVED ME OH SO MUCH, I GOT TO COME STRAIGHT HERE...
I FELL SO LUCKY TO HAVE A MOM, WHO HAD SO MUCH LOVE FOR ME I LEARNED MY
LESSON VERY QUICKLY, MY MOMMY SET ME FREE. I MISS MY MOMMY OH SO MUCH;
BUT I VISIT HER EACH DAY. WHEN SHE GOES TO SLEEP, ON HER PILLOW IS WHERE
I LAY I STROKE HER HAIR AND KISS HER CHEEK, AND WHISPER IN HER EAR.
MOMMY, DON'T BE SAD TODAY, I'M YOUR BABY AND I'M HERE.'

"SO, YOU SEE, MY DEAR SWEET ONE, YOUR CHILDREN ARE OKAY YOUR BABIES ARE HERE IN MY HOME; AND THIS IS WHERE THEY'LL STAY. THEY'LL WAIT FOR YOU WITH ME, UNTIL YOUR LESSON IS THROUGH AND ON THE DAY THAT YOU COME HOME; THEY'LL BE AT THE GATES FOR YOU.

SO, NOW YOU SEE WHAT MAKES A MOTHER, IT'S THE FEELING IN YOUR HEART IT'S THE LOVE YOU HAD SO MUCH OF; RIGHT FROM THE VERY START. THOUGH SOME ON EARTH MAY NOT REALIZE YOU ARE A MOTHER THEY'LL BE UP WITH ME ONE DAY; AND YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE BEST ONE."

songs to cry with

this first one, i used to watch Charmed, I lived for it, those of you who know the show may remeber where phoebe becomes queen of the underworld long story short she kills off cole. well at the end as she lays in bed crying over her loss this song played, it moved me so much and now as i lay helpless broken, in some masoquist way it helps me let it out.

Sarah Polley - Courage

Watch the band through a bunch of dancers
Quickly, follow the unknown
With something more familiar
Quickly, something familiar.

Courage, my word
It didn't come, it doesn't matter.

Sleepwalk, so fast asleep
In a motel that has the lay of home
And piss on all of your background
And piss on all your surroundings.

Courage, my word
It didn't come, it doesn't matter
Courage, my word
It didn't come, it doesn't matter
Courage, couldn't come at a worse time.

There's no simple explanation
For anything important any of us do
And yea the human tragedy
Consists in the necessity
Of living with the consequences
Under pressure, under pressure.

Courage, my word
It didn't come, it doesn't matter
Courage, my word
It didn't come, it doesn't matter
Courage, my word
It didn't come, it doesn't matter
Courage, couldn't come at a worse time.

This other song basically explained how we felt about our peanut we just couldn't wait to hold him and now...well...

Sarah McLachlan - Ordinary Miracle
It’s not that unusual
When everything is beautiful.
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.

The sky knows when its time to snow,
Don’t need to teach a seed to grow.
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.

Life is like a gift they say
Wrapped up for you everyday;
Open up and find a way
To give some of your own.

Isn’t it remarkable?
Like every time a rain drop falls,
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.

Birds in winter have their fling
But always make it home by spring.
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.
[Ordinary Miracle lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]


When you wake up everyday
Please don’t throw your dreams away;
Hold them close to your heart
Cause we’re all a part
Of the ordinary miracle.
Ordinary miracle

Do you want to see a miracle?
ohh ohh ohh, ohhh ohh ohh...

It seems so exceptional
That things just work out after all.
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.

Sun comes up and shines so bright
And disappears again at night.
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.
ohh ohh ohh, ohh ohhh ohh...
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.

From katie's mouth to ....

I found katie's blog to be very inspiring, I tend to write and shut down when i am in pain. This ...list is what my life has been for the past week.

This is a Miscarriage To Do List I came up with along with fellow Nesties:

1. Cry.

2. Call mom.

3. Unsubscribe from all the "pregnancy week by week" emails and any other pregnancy related email stuff signed up for during pregnancy.

4. Cry more.

5. Attempt to eat.

6. Meet with doctor decide on natural m/c or surgery.

7. Get ready for surgery if that's your plan.

8. Ask lots of questions about surgery and post surgery - preferably before surgery, as afterwards, you may be woozy.

9. Have a D&C .

10. Wake up in recovery feeling better, but very very lonesome.

11. Enjoy the painkillers while they last.

12. Something I learned from fellow Nesties: Do not go to the trimester board you should be on if you were prego. It makes one angry, sad, jealous, and mostly pissed off.

13. Enjoy the fact that wine can be enjoyed now.

14. Enjoy the memories of pregnancy and that it was wonderful to be pregnant.

15. Check in with your husband frequently, because he may not always tell you what he's thinking.

16. Learn to hear "I'm sorry for your loss" all the time.

17. If you think it will be hard two weeks from now, get rid of all pictures/ultrasounds and anything baby related now so you don't find it in the future and start the water works all over again.

18. Allow yourself to cry, it hurts more to hold it in.

19. Ice cream for dinner really does heal the soul.

20. Don't blame yourself. You did nothing to cause the m/c and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.

21. Don't get angry when people say the wrong thing, and they WILL say the wrong thing. Know in your heart that they care but don't have the right way to express it.

22. Surround yourself with happy movies, happy friends, happy thoughts.

23. Follow up with your doctor in a few weeks to be sure your body is going back to normal.

24. Don't dwell on the "I would be X weeks PG by now".

25. When your estimated due date comes around, do something good for yourself. You don't have to ignore the date. Remember it in a positive way.

26. Encourage your dear husband to talk, but don't force your sadness on him. He may not be as devastated as you, especially with a very early miscarriage. And that's OK.

27. Don't impose some arbitrary date on yourself that mandates by when you must get pregnant again. It just makes it more painful when you aren't.

28. per Nestie PL Berty12777:
Take insensitive comments as an educational opportunity if you can handle it. I say, "I know you meant to be comforting, but it's probably better if you just say you're sorry". (It might be the teacher in me :)

29. Be open about your miscarriage. I think keeping it a big secret from everybody makes it seem like something you should be embarrassed about or something that should be private. I was a pretty big nutcase after my miscarriage. At least people could understand why I was acting like that.

30. Be nice to your Dear Husband. He also just lost his baby, but he may not want to be too emotional because he wants to make sure you're all right. Give him some time to cry and be sad, too.

31. From PL Nestie CorisaWalk:
One of the biggest lessons I learned is one that I probably knew but may have taken for granted and that is that pregnancy is truly a gift and blessing. When I found out i was pregnant (it was unexpected but we were thrilled), I spent a day or two thinking about how my life would change and vacations I would have to cancel and wine I would not drink and sushi i would not eat. Granted it was only a couple of days of those selfish thoughts, but what I wouldn't give to be back at that time and instead of thinking about things I would have to change, focus on how excited and blessed I was. I always assumed that once I got pregnant, we would have a child, and I have learned that unfortunately they don't go hand in hand. Next time, I will bask in the incredible luck, blessings, and good fortune from the very first second.

32. From PL Nestie leslieanne03 I bought a beautiful nursery themed box and filled it with the pictures, hand prints, footprints, a little toy and blanket we received at Xmas. I don't have to look through it every day, but it is there and that makes me feel good that all the special things are tucked away.

33. From PL Nestie leslieanne03
I also have the 3 u/s pics out and framed in our bedroom. It's for us, not our guests to see. I smile every time I see them.

34. From PL Nestie leslieanne03
Know that sometimes you will have to force yourself to be with friends, go shopping, etc but you usually feel better once you did it. But also know, it's ok to cancel plans and stay home just to cuddle with dh.

Our world is upside down

SO begins my tale from a nightmare that i have yet to wake from, maybe I never will, but i have a 7 yo who needs me and who has been my only strength in trying to get through this hell we are living.

We found out we were finally blessed with a little peanut on Dec 26th 2007. I can't even beging to explain how overjoyed we were. We had been trying for 1 1/2 years to get here and after many consultations, tests,some painful procedures such as LEEP and discovering a left blocked tube...we were here!

We had an amazing NYE, planning and talking and just being happy. Not being able to drink wasn't even an issue, although i admit i missed my wine! but who cares, we were having a baby!

We left on jan 6, 2008 for 11 glorious days at Walt Disney World to celebrate my son's 7th birthday. We came back on thurdsay the 17th and the next day we had our first ultrasound.

All i can say about that is WOW! We saw our peanut bouncing all over the place and so strong! We both cried when we saw it, and hugged. The doctor said everyting looked great and off to the vampires (as my dad calls them) I went.














We had our next appointment scheduled for feb 13th.

Fast forward... My husband decided to take off the 11th because his dad had retired and his company was throwing him a party.We decided to change our appointment to that day since he was home, so he could come. We get to the office and patiently wait. We didn't have an u/s and the doctor couldn't find a HB, but i was only 10 1/2 weeks and he said it was normal NOT to hear it this early. I told him I had a brownish dicharge to which he said "its normal, you're probably just shedding old blood still, as long as its not bright red or there is no crampng its ok.... Alright you are the expert, besides like he said I had no cramps or anything alarming so home we went a bit dissappoinmted we couldn't see our peanut, but we would the next week at our NT scan.
We got ready for the party. We had such a good time, at this point pretty much everyone knew our good news and they all said how great I looked and how happy everyone was!
Fast forward to Thursday. It was our 6yr dating anniversary and although we had no special plans it had just been such a great day. I went in the afternoon to pick up my son from the bus stop and when I got home I went to the bathroom and saw what no pregnant woman wants to ever see... bright red blood on the toilet paper. I started trembling and called the doctor right away, the nurse said come in at 3:45 it was 3:15. I called my husband and told him and he said "no honey not the baby, come on you need to relax its ok just go with my parents and i'll be home as soon as I can"
Off we went to the doctor, and waited to be seen for what seemed an eternity. They had me empty my bladder, i wipped, no more blood, hey that's good right? some women bleed without anything being wrong right?

My mother in law went in the room with me and the doctor did an regular U/s, no movement, maybe he was sleeping? tears a re now rolling down my face. He switched and did an internal u/s ...isn't my baby supposed to be bouncing all over? why can't i see his heart fluttering? the doctor was mum, he just kept taking measurements. Finally he said "you were due on sept 3?"... yes... "which puts you at close to 11 weeks?"... yes...i am now shaking... "Vivian the baby measures 9 weeks, and there is no hearbeat"
I though he playing a cruel joke, then he gave me the tissue box and my world came crashing down.
I knew when i saw the screen something was wrong. My mother in law held my hand as i cried helplessly. My baby had died inside of me. what did i do wrong?

The office scheduled a D&C for the next morning. i numbly walked to the car trying to make sense of it all, then it hit me how do i tell michael?

He called on our way home and his first words were "honey tell me the baby is ok" I could only muster enough strength to say no and broke down again, his father took the phone.

I honestly don't remeber much more of that night or the next day except crying and filling out paper work and crying and then in the recovery room feeling so empty. They took my baby, I was empty again.

It was too early to know what it would have been, and although everyone wanted a girl, i keep calling our peanut him. Whatever it was its no longer inside me.

It has been almost a week since the horrible news and not a day has gone by that i don't break down. I try and not let michael see me, because i know he is in as much pain as i am, and he is trying to be strong for me. But being and only child i tend to deal with my pain alone... writting, crying, whatever it takes but alone.
Last night he told me he thinks i am shutting him out... I'm not i just feel numb.
The way he has been this last week, only proves to me even more why i fell in love with him in the first place. In one word he is just truly AMAZING.
We have talked about trying again, i am so scared its going to be naother year, that this nightmare will never go away, that i may not be happy IF i get pregnant again just based on the fear of having this happen all over again. I want to give my husband the joy of his firstborn because i know deep down he craves that, because i saw how happy he was every night he talked to our peanut and told him how he just wanted to hold him.
It breaks my heart to not be bale to give him that.
There are days that i blame myself, maybe i shouldn't have had that cup of coffee, or that sip of orange slushie at epcot, or that piece of chicken, maybe i should have quit working all together, maybe i pushed myself too much, perhaps, my body hates me so much that it did something to our baby and i killed it.
i hope he knows how much we wnated him and how blessed i was for those 9 weeks to have him growing inside me, making me feel worth something.
I think the other bad part about this is everyone i unfourtunatly have to talk to has some sort of story of somenone they know that had this happen to them and how they went on to have healthy babies aftre. I am sorry but i don't care about evryone else, i lost MY baby and nothing noone says or does is ever going to bring him back!
Don't tell me its going to be ok because its not! not right now maybe never, I may get on with my life or at least pretend to, but there is part of my heart and soul that is now and foever will be missing.
My said something to me that has helped albeit its cruel but she said "Nature is very harsh and survival of the fittest is iits motto, you have to know that something was wrong with the baby, we may never know for sure, but you have to know that he loved you both so much he made the choice to leave on his own and yes cause you pain now, instead of going full term and being born with a disabilty and possibly not surving long after. That would've been worse for you guys"
I see her point but isn't that my choice? as selfish as it sounds don't i have say?
I am not a religious person although i do believe,I am trying not be mad at God and today I'm not, I'm just trying to understand why he would give us this blessing only to yank away from us like this. I am trying to understand why a friend of mine has had several abortions and now is happily pregnant with a girl, why does it seem that the more pain you cause the better lcuk in life you have.
We are not bad people, we try to follow the rules and live day to day in peace, why did this happen to us?
As a final note please don't be offended by anything i have said, please try to understand i am trying to grieve, I am venting, I am broken.