a simple gesture

My hand settles on my stomach for no reason
It wasn't long ago that the gesture made me smile
Knowledge that it lay atop a child that was created with love

Now the gesture only brings tears to my eyes
For our child, we've been told, no longer grows within
A loss so sudden and without warning

Little things like this happen now and again
Since the day we heart the heartbreaking news
Hopes and dreams shattered in an instant

Shattered things can be put back together with time
But the cause is never forgotten even when things have healed
We may move on but never will it leave our minds


Tears of happiness, the day our dreams and hopes became more.
Tears of sadness, the day they were taken away suddenly.
Tears of remembrance, now and then for all that could have been.
Tears of acceptance, when we feel the time is right to try again.
Tears of a Mother who lost a child she never got to know.


By: Holly R. Schultz

it's been almost a month...

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one who died you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further,
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine."
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.
Author~Elizabeth Dent

My Mom is a Survivor...

"My Mom is a Survivor"

My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom,
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see
tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her...
or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...
and show her that you care.

For no matter what she says...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.

By Kaye Des'Ormeaux

The psychic's predictions are in:

A couple of weeks ago, there was a post on the PL board over at the nest
about a psychic who would do readings online, she only need a photo of you, anyway i paid the $12 i figured what the hell. (BTW "they" refers to the tarot cards she uses)
here are my questions and here response to them:

1. Will my husband and I get pregnant again and be able to have a healthy baby. I have a concern I may be the problem..

they show by MAY of this year you will be pregnant with a healthy baby.

2. why did I loose our baby? meaning was it something I did or was it just nature doing its thing?

I'm getting it to be a hormonal cause. Did the doctors have anything to say about this?


Soooo whatdaya think? doctors, haven't said anything about me having a hormonal issue, but one of the girls on the PL board suggested she might mean like progesterone levels. When I see my new doctor I will ask to get a P4 test to check this out and when i get pregnant again i'll have them check this one again.
I finally decided on 2 doctors, one was my mom's old doctor, I have my appt with him on Apr 7th, the other is a doctor that was higly recommend by another girl and my appt with her is june 6th, i want to be able to meet them both and then decide which one i feel more comfortable with and then go from there, provided I don't get pregnant by then. If i do well then i guess i'll have to pick one!

PNV again, trying to find new Doc...

I finally brought myself to re-fill my prescription today for the prenatal vitamins the doctor had told me to keep taking. as a side note the pharmacist says to me " do you know how take this because you haven't filled them in a month and the baby needs them and..." i cut her off and told her i had lost the baby. she looked at me blankly mumbled an apology and rang me up. I grab the bag and walk out feeling even more pissed off at my body than i already am. I sat in the car thinking that the last time i had these stupid PNV i had my baby. I think i was on strike with the vitamins after we lost the baby, it was my way at getting back at my body for not keeping the baby alive. well it kicked my ass right back and i got really sick...actually i have Michael to thank for that but regardless i got sick, still am, very stuffy and i feel like i am walking in a cloud except i don't know if it from being sick or from still being numb.
I miss being pregnant.
I am also in the process of trying to find a doctor who actually gives a shit! Dr. F was great very cut and dry but still sympathetic. his partner Dr. D not so much, my mom didn't like him, neither did Michael, and his comment on the post opt. just left me well unhappy and pissed to say the least.
I have to doctors one was my mom's old Doc and another was a recommendation from a girl i met through the nest, now i have to decide if i want to travel to teaneck NJ or Pomona NY, assuming the NJ doctor works out of Hackensack hospital i have to take into consideration that if i were to get pregnant again, when i go into labor hackensack depending on the time of day can be an hour drive from home, but i am usually in nj during the day anyway, on the other hand the NY doctor works out of Good sam so its easy for us to get to (ie michael) if it were to happen during the day not so great for me, me being the planner i am, hate not knowing anything about my body right now.
I want to be blissfully ignorant again and not worry about all this. those days unfortunately are long gone!
Oh forgot to post i took a pregnancy test and it was negative, which means all the hcg levels are gone so (crossing fingers) my body will go back to normal and we can TTC again real soon, and so i can start clomid! which BTW i find very funny the price diff for this drug: CVS $130 shoprite $38 Walmart $18 uhm i think i'll take the 20 min drive and go to walmart!
that's it for now, i gotta go play housewife and cook dinner!

ugly pair of shoes

i saw this on the Pregnanycy loss board and thought it was so powerful i had to post it here!


"An Ugly Pair of Shoes"
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the other one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have work the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger women.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author Unknown