Happy New Year!!!

well almost. but its good enough for us! all i can say is thank GOD this year is over it seems like this magical thread is finally being cut from the year that has proven like no other to be just pure hell for us.
As 2008 comes to a close and we get ready to usher in 2009, we have been reflecting on a year full of joy and sorrow. I hate that we had to experience 4 lossess this year. Miscarriage is a terrible experience for women and their families. But if anything i can take positive of this year is how close those 4 losses brough my husband and I together.We now share such an amazing bond that even though we had a very real strong connection before, that made it basically unbreakable.

A new year is about to start, and with that comes fresh beginnings, promises we make to ourselves and/or others, and more. I pray 2009 is a wonderful year full of love, support, growth and abundance in every way for us and anyone who reads and/or follows our blog.

As we make the transition into 2009, we know that we are walking the road to healing and recovery- even when we don't realize it. The sadness, grief, hate and questioning we have felt after all our miscarriages are all part of the healing process, and although at times its extremely hard to understand that and that there are days when I feel like I'm getting nowhere, i have to believe , i have to hope, that we are. Each day brings with it the time necessary for healing. Even when we've had a day full of tears, i know we are making progress by experiencing our feelings and allowing them to come out.
This was such a great way to do it, constructive and safe way to do it, i honestly believe this blog is what kept me sane along with the girls at TTCAL, otherwise i know for a fact i would have sunk into a very deep depression. I have been contemplating talking to someone just because its good to do once in awhile but for now this is good enough.
so fellow internet happy new year and may 2009 bring us all many healthy babies and boring pregnancies.
love always
Viv

Merry Christmas

2008 has been a hard year and of late I feel I have very little to offer.

Christmas has come and is now on verge of leaving, and though it is a happy time for most of us I think it is important to acknowledge that not everyone can get caught up in the joy and festive spirit.

Personally Michael and I have had a dreadful year, 2 days before thanksgiving we lost our 4th pregnancy, yes a 4th miscarriage.

We also lost many other things this year, starting in January with his aunt Anne and it killed my husband that we could not be here for her service as were in disney celebrating Darren's birthday. how ironic to get that kind of news in the happiest place on earth. Michael's dear friend Jim Colon lost his battle to cancer and was buried on Feb 26th, just 2 weeks after our first loss. His father had major abdominal surgery over the summer,the list goes on and on about how bad this year has been, sufice to say it has hit hard.
Christmas is often when we miss our loved ones most as all families come together to spend time together. It will be different for us this year. We went to church this morning and although i was hesitant it was a lovely idea and a very healthy thing to go to for the mind, but also I feel it gave me a time to reflect and remember the 4 babies we have lost to miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy. Probably no-one else will think of it - but I will. I think of it often, all the time in fact. But I look forward to a day where I can acknowledge them in my own mind. I am not particularly religious, but I feel a comfort in a spiritual service.

Sorry to go on. I just want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, but also to say it's OK not to get caught up in the hype of the festivities. If you don't feel in the mood, then try to unwind and relax with some quiet time.

May 2009 be a peaceful year for us all.

Your health is everything. Keep life in perspective. Recognise the true definition of happiness and don't take it for granted. She's a beautiful day outside. Get on the front foot and enjoy the sunshine.

Have a good Christmas

Had to share

I heard this the other day and the lyrics are just amazing, its like they were written for me a soundtrack of this year



She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

Final grades are in...

I have been putting off checking my school email because i knew grades had been sent and i was sure i had missed by 1 point! 1 point i mean if i failed with a 50 i can say i was a smutz for not studying but 1 point.
Well i just checked and i got an 80!!!!! OMFG!!!!! thank you brain for retaining info and not failing me.
i seriously though it wasn't gonna happen just based on my track record this year of things just not working out according to plan, this was a nice surprise and like i told Michael slightly better than a BFP because this can't be taken away from, i can't be blindsided by waking up one day and be told oops sorry you didn't pass!
yay i'm so happy and relieved!
Also i got the job i had interviewed for, the manager really liked me and offered me the job that same day.
I start training tomorrow and I'm so excited, after 2 years of being a SAHM which i loved don't get me wrong, its gonna be nice to have some extra cash and time out of the house.
Merry Christmas and hopefully this is the start of a turn around for us because frankly up until this morning this year just sucked!

T minus 1 weeks

ok more like 3 days before my nursing finals. i haven't done bad in the first 2 midterms fro each class but considering that passing is a 75 and i have 74 i'm failing, i have one more chance to get an 80 on both finals to be able to pass this semester!
I'm stressing and i'm probably gonna be a zombie by the time sunday rolls around.
its alot of material most of it is common sense and critical thinking but still i'm stressing because there are some things you must know like ABG's values and hypercalcemia vs hypoclacemis, hyponatremia ect.
I pray i do well and get throught this. Please let this be the one thing i don't fail at this year.

I'm doing Ok

Thanks so much to everyone who has posted such supportive comments. My husband has been very amazing thourgh it all , but you get a different type of support from women that just can't be denied!
You all rock!
So I'm doing ok...for some reason, I started to have a sinking feeling about this pregnancy oover the weekend, when I saw how low my HCG numbers were from the start. By the time monday rolled around, I was a bit prepped for it, mentally. I just sat at the kitchen table and cried; the sobbing, put-your-whole-body-into-it type of crying, just lots of tears rolling down my face. Then, I went to clinicals, came home, and I had a glass of wine.
The good news is I can enjoy my wine again during this break from baby-making, and even have an occasional machiato or two. Add sushi to the list, too.
The bad news is that I have to be in this wait-and-see mode now. From previous experiences my betas tend to go down pretty fast, so i'm hoping that by January we will be able to start "fresh" sort of speak.
Best case, I can count last weeks bleeding as AF, and have a normal cycle this month, even if we're not TTC'ing it.
Worst case, my body takes longer to regulate, or I don't have a normal miscarriage on my own. I did start some very light spotting and cramping yesterday that lasted about 20 minutes! WTF was it? no clue. So I think my body is in the process of the miscarriage - just wondering how long it's going to take to get things back to normal.
The main pregnancy symptoms that are still with me are the sore boobs and heightened sense of smell. Boy, has that one been something! I've been gagging on my own perfumes,and even on the burt's bees Chapstick that I loved so much...now it just plain stinks :)
Thank goodness I have midterms and finals coming up to keep me busy during this waiting period.
And again thanks to all of you!

betas not doubling

Four days ago, my HCG level was 77. yesterday's was 77.8
We have been instructed to stop all meds,
and i to go see my perinatologist to check on possibly havig a luteal phase defect.
Doctor said we don't have to wait for anything and can start TTc again. I'm to start progesterone on CD17 to help a pg if it happens if it doesn't then stop once AF shows and do it all again next cycle, i'm also to start lovenox as soon as i get my next BFP.
I'm bummed. fourth loss this year!
happy fucking holidays!
and even better happy fucking birthday to me!

tick tock tick tock,

I'm not obsessing, really. Ok, maybe a little bit. But how do you not obsess when the BFP has been so alluring yet out of reach for so long? I think people may say they just kicked back during their 2ww, but who are we kidding here really?
I mean seriously It takes every bit of will-power for me to not do endless internet searches on early pregnancy symptoms, or think that every twinge, cramp, and bloat is a sign that this is the month.
well so here i am and it its THE month, i got my BFP exactly 1 week ago and I'm still technically in limbo awaiting yet another round of beta results. I have been on the progesterone suppositories for and pills since last Wednesday all totaling 400mg.
Here are some of the symptoms I've been experiencing:
post O day: During dinner, I got this horrible headache that felt like my head was being squeezed, I also had these horrible shooting pains in the back of my head. This lasted until late-afternoon the next day. then gone, ok whatever
8DPO : super nauseous for 2 days straight, my boobs however have been great as where with our first one i couldn't even bear to take my bra off at night let alone sleep on them
10DPO - present: Been having trouble sleeping through the night, and have been really, really tired. I read that this could be a side effect of the progesterone? Has anyone else experienced this?
5DP BFP - present: A ton of bloating. I feel twinges here and there. It feels as if there is "construction" going on. As for the bloating, it's similar to the worst kind of bloating I get on the months that this occurs prior to AF. It seems a bit early for me to be bloating this much if I'm not PG, but I kind of forget the exact timing when I usually experience this. i also started bleeding bright re, but no intense cramping, actually no cramping at all, i read somewhere maybe my body didn't get the memo we're pregnant? lasted 2 days,
10DP BFP = took another HPT it was positive
my betas so far have been:

13 DPO = 14
14 DPO = 19
17 DPO = 36
18 DPO = 77
24 DPO = ???

So what do you think? Is the Progesterone messing with my body ???
As I write this, I'm thinking, "you need to stop obsessing about this...go read a book or something..." - but I'm so tired right now, I know that if I started to read a book (and I'm actually in the middle of an extremely intriguing one right now) that I'd just end up falling asleep. I hope hubby comes home soon so he can entertain me - and keep me awake!

So although my HCG levels are "low", I have a good feeling about this PG. It may be wishful thinking, but I'd like to think it's women's intuition, or whatever you want to dub it. So I'm not sharing my news widely (aren't you all lucky in blog-land??) until I hit my second trimester. In the meantime, I'm savoring up all the information I can about pregnancy, what to do, what not to do, helpful tips, etc.I'm also taking lots of naps :)
I still feel pretty positive about my overall state, of course the nerves have started to sink in. It probably doesn't help that I'm blogging right after my conversation with my favorite nurse Kathy.
This is almost like drinking and dialing...except I'm getting scary news and blogging :)
so as soon as I know tomorrow if this is it so will you guys!