Surgery tomorrow

Seem I'm never getting off this roller coaster that just seems to go in this horrible circles, basically it goes, BFP- happiness- bad u/s - bad news- confirmation of loss -surgery -TTC- and we are back at go
3 babies in 7 months it makes no logical sense its not right, and its definitely not fair.
Michael has been amazing but i know he is hurting as much as i am, he cried in my arms last night and said those were the last tears because he needed to be strong for me...BS i said
I hate it all so much but more so seeing him this way, it breaks my soul to see him cry and hurt all because my stupid dysfunctional body can't do the one fucking thing its meant to!
It sucks to admit I'm broken...literally!
I just want this to be over, 2008 has been wow i can't even think of a word to describe how bad its been. I just want it over all of it all the pain, the tears, the joy,
I just don't care anymore!
So anyway surgery is tomorrow and i should be home by noon....we hope....

Our 3rd loss

We went in friday to check what our progress was, we were hoping to see a healthy strong heartbeat...that wasn't the case, We had 2u/s one at the doctor's office and one at the hospital which has better machines, they both concluded i should be about 8 weeks and the baby...our blue was measuring only 5 wks 2 days. I am beyond numb at this point 3 losses in 7 months, noone deserves that. I mean how much bad karma do i have that i need to keep going through this?
seriously one healthy baby that is all i ask for, not to win the lotto, not to be debt free and yesalthough i'm sure it would be nice to have all that...i just want to be able to make my husband a daddy, to be able to make it therough the pregnancy till the end and to be able to hold our baby.
is that too much to ask?
I have surgery scheduled for this monday morning.
its just unreal its like a nightmare we can't seem to wake up from.
its not fair
its not right

For Blue

i saw this in Katie's bio and i stole it, since it seems appropriate for us.

Bless this child inside my womb As she grows stronger each day Keep her in thy loving care Watch over her I pray With much anticipation We're awaiting her arrival And depending upon You Father For this tiny one's survival We'll love her endlessly And care for her our very best She'll be our pride and joy This child with which we're blessed Some say she's not a baby yet I'm certain that they're wrong My feelings toward a group of cells Could never be this strong Help us to remember She really is Your child You've put her in our home For just a little while Lord please bless our family With favors from above As we grow in size May we also grow in love

Quick update on Blue

yes that is what we are calling our baby!

It seems our lil blue is not ready to give up, there was a significant change from last weeks u/s, (friday 12th) The doctor is positive that I o'ed later than i though and its what is causing the difference (read : screw up)in dates. if your naot familiar with all this yet, usually (in a perfect world) the use your LMP(lat menstrual period) in my case Jul 28th, they assume 2 weeks later you O and 2 weeks after that you conceive) well it seems that its ot my case, They believe i geared up to O 2 weeks after my LMP but never did, i got a positives with the OPK's and we screwed like bunnies, 8 days straight! well at some point later that week I actually did O and i guess i had enough"reserve" to fertilize my egg during my vacation without hubby.
anyway....
People....we have a fetal pole!!!! isn't that great?!!!! (fetal pole is basically in layman's terms, it is what will become the beating heart)
The doctor puts me at about 6 weeks, not 7 or almost 8 as we initially thought.
I go in for another u/s next friday the 26th to hopefully see a HB and be 100% this is it.
This has been such and emotional week with me basically crying myself to sleep every night because in my heart based on evidence it was over and i was gearing myself up to hear that during the u/s. At one point Michael held his breath and looked up and got teary and since I couldn't see the screen I just sighed and thought "yup its over" and i asked him "its empty right?" He shook his head which confused me and i thought he doesn't know what he is looking at, then the tech said Are you sure about your dates?" "yes" i said "why?" "well because there's the fetal pole that wasn't there last week!"
It completely took me by surprise and i just cried and was shaking.
So as of today I AM PREGNANT!
I am pregnant and I love my baby!
Thanks for all your support and well wishes and if you can still spare some, please pray we see a strong and healthy HB next week!
till then....

a prayer

A brief back story:
ST. CATHERINE OF SIENA'S PATRON SAINT
St. Catherine is a the patron saint of Europe, firefighters, against fire, bodily ills, illness, miscarriages, nurses, people ridiculed for their piety, against sexual temptation and sick people. St. Catherine suffered much sickness during her lifetime, and so her patronage of sick people and illness is apparent. Her patronage of firefighters has an interesting history: During her ecstasies, St. Catherine, at times fell into fires, so transported was she from her surroundings; however, her skin and clothes remained untouched by the flames. She is also the patron saint of miscarriages, nurses, nursing services and, people ridiculed for their piety.


With this said i guess i owe an explanation:
Well on Aug 20th Michael an I found out we were expecting again! with a due date of May 5th, how appropriate for me right?
Well we had our first u/s on Sept 4th and everything looked good, still too ear;y to see a baby but all was measuring to accordance, we had another u/s scheduled for sept 12th, well the doctor only saw a sac and usually by this point (6weeks) you should be able to see a baby possibly a HB, the sac was empty,BUT the doctor said the sac shape was also oval which means I could be earlier than we though and its still too soon to see a baby, or i have a blighted ovum( click for a more concrete explanation if you like, basically it means the sac formed at some point the baby formed too but something wasn't right and my body re-absorbed the baby and only the sac remains. (think of the sac as a bubble where inside it the baby forms.) Its harder for your body to figure out the pg is over and therefore you still have symptoms but no baby. I guess the only good thing about this is I won't need surgery to remove the sac only a shot and my body will do the rest. Bad news...well this would be our third loss...i guess i am a freak after all huh.
The doctor had me get b/w to check beta levels again to see if they are where they should be with a 4-5wk pg, if they are another round of betas will be done Monday to see if they are still doubling if not well we know the outcome.
As of right now though we are in limbo, not really knowing if we are still pg or not.
So all we can do is pray:


Humble Virgin and Doctor of the Church, in thirty-three years you achieved great perfection and became the counselor of Popes. You know the temptations of mothers today as well as the dangers that await unborn infants. Intercede for me that I may avoid miscarriage and bring forth a healthy baby who will become a true child of God. Also pray for all mothers, that they may not resort to abortion but help bring a new life into the world.
Amen.

Footprints in the sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish,
sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints,
so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints,
my child, is when I carried you.”

To my angel

To my precious angel on your Due date:
On Dec 28th we found out we were expecting! We were scared but overjoyed! Our miracle had come true after 2 years of trying. We made so many plans and had it all mapped out, how the shower would be were you would sleep how the nursery would look. Right from the start i new i always wanted you, from the first couple of weeks when you were just a tiny bean, it didn’t matter cause i loved you right from that second the test said “pregnant”
We couldn’t keep you a secret, so we told everyone you were coming! We were so proud! then on Feb 14th our dreams came crashing down, as the doctor told me that you were gone.Now I have to apologize! I’m so sorry that I didn’t slow down, maybe if I had, you would have been stronger to fight, I’m sorry I failed to protect you and to hold you longer in my womb. I’m sorry I didn’t spend more time with you.
You have to know that I loved you and that I still love you more then words can ever explain! You were everything to us, supporting you was all I lived for. I should have protected my tiny little angel but instead you got sent right back up to heaven cause little angel it wasn’t your time.We have learned so much because of you.I used to blame myself because you were gone but I know that I did my best even though it will never seem like it was enough. God needed you more though he needed you to protect all the other little angels. At nights in my dreams sometimes I think I can hear you telling me to be strong, that it’s all okay and that we can do this. But I’m just so scared, scared to lose another little treasure, scared I’ll have nothing left, scared to let you down.
I know you are safe and warm and watching over us, waiting for the right time to come back to us and stay.For now know that I love you very much and miss you so much!
I love you always Mommy and Daddy