moving on

So i've come to realize that maybe my getting pregnant was just a fluke, i mean serioulsy temping and charting and doing it all by the book it still took 14 months only for it to be robbed from us...twice! the one month i basically gave up was the month i got pregnat. My mom say its because i don't relax enough and let it happen, HA if it were only that simple then why does brith control even exist if its a matter of mind(stress) over body? whatever!
I've decided to just let it go, i'm looking into adoption but its so expensive, then i think you know i already have a gorgeous son who is my life and my world, and maybe we are just supposed to cherish him. don't get me wrong we do already but maybe instead of focusing so much attention to TTC, i should direct it to my family, my boys who are my everything. So its a process that has begun, not the best way possible since i finally let myself go and had expresso, beers, a cigarette(not the best i know) and much more. I finally enjoyed sex with my husband as a fun thing to do not as a we have to because the test says we do and its that time. Don't get me wrong we aren't completely giving up, i'm still charting and taking OPK's the folic acid and EPO, but other than that, i'm not being anal about it any more!
so take that universe/god/insert whatever here! here's your damn white flag from my end!
I don't care anymore!

I though this was cute so i stole it

I stole this from michelle lee.

8 Things I Am Passionate About
1. My son

2. my husband

3. family

4. photography / scrapbooking traditional & digital

5. making a baby or at least trying to

6. the nest of course i would die without those ladies!

7. being a wife, being a mother my son looks up to

8. Animals, all shapes and sizes! i want to become a wildlife rehabilator. Elvis(our baby squirrel) opened my eyes to so much and how fragile they are

IHO
Elvis R.I.P.

8 Things I Want To Do Before I Die (in no particular order)

1. Give my husband the joy of preganacy and birth

2. Be someone amazing

3. See my son grow up well and someday start his own families and achive his dreams

4. be debt free.

5. travel more

6. finish my nursing career

7. be able to give back and actually be able to afford doing so! lol
.
8.resue many animals and help them out

8 Things I Learned This Past Year

1. I am WAY stronger that I ever thought that I was.

2. I have the best family in the world, and a truly supportive husband

3. Strangers can be amazing uhmm hello the nest PL board in particular and now the TTCAL.

4. Life sucks sometimes but you have to ick yourself up and keep going its all there is to do..

5. Each person is world in themselves, you never know what happines or sorrows hide behind their face.

6. hating God/universe doesn't help it only makes you more bitter..trust me be there still doing doing it.

7. Your Body can turn on you when least expected. like my mom always says men make plans God runs them in my case it s my ever failing body!

8. You need to be positive. at least at times

8 places I want to see

1. Tahiti

2. italy

3. Brazil

4. Egypt

5. colorodo rockies

6. hawaii.

7. paris.

8. greece.

8 things I miss

1. being a kid nothing to think about but playing

2. my son being a baby i forget how tiny he used to be.

3. my parents taking care of everything.

4. being positive about pregnancy the innoce of it is gone for me.

5. Being naive about pregnancy.

6. high school i loved it.

7. life after HS living in Costa RIca all by myslef it made me grow up but in a good way!

8. my grandmother i see her once a year now and i miss her and her cooking

8 things I currently want/need

1. sleep.

2. a bigger house.

3. money would help too.

4. to start excersising again.

5. BFFP.

6. a bigger kitchen.

7. to see my friends more.

8. not to fail at my mom's business! 20 years + of building it up is now all in my hands!.

In the 2WW again

Except this time i'm not being anal! I POAS only once and that was because i wanted beers that night!lol of course BFN. To be honest i really don't care anymore it just seems every cycle i get another slap n the face when AF shows and i've had it, 2 1/2 years and loosing 2 babies in a row is more than any woman should have to endure. so yes call me a quitter i gave up, i'm only charting to have some sort of idea when AF will show up so i don't get a sneak attack at the pool or at a party! We now have sex for fun! go figure isn't it the way it should always be especially when your married?!
Michael is hopeful this cycle he asks me evry morning what did my temps do. he notices little things or big in his mind,like the fact that my boobs have been REALLY hurting the last 3 days enough for me to notice and not wear a bra the last 2! also i've been peeiing for what seems every five minutes and even having to get up and run to the bathoroom at 3am which is usually unheard of for me. I haven't really increased the uptake of liquids like i should so i can't pin point as to why its happening but oh well.
This is how nonchalant i am about this whole TTC crap i didn't even know when i was supposed to test for this months, but i was forced to figure it out because
1. we have a bacholor/ette party we are going to and everyone drinks and we are spending the night at a hotel!
2. i 'm going to costa rica on aug 12 and i would like to know if i'll be on my on as far as xanax and the plane goes!
so potential test date is this coming friday or sat morning.
Since my cycles are back to O on CD12-14 i would assume i'm back on a 28 day cycle AF should be here july 28th, if my body decides it like the 30 day cycle then AF would be here aug 1.
I'm testing this weekend on a need to know basis for the party, no other reason.

I've been slacking!

sorry for taking such a long time on updating, but since my mom left it has been crazy taking over her business.
Anyway as you may already know clomid failed last cycle, i was all set to move on to 150mg but the damn pharmacy decided no one is allowed to get meds on 4th july so i couldn't start it on time and instead of starting it late i figured i would just skip the cycle all together and go natural! well one good thing about it is i finally confirmed that clomid WAS to blame for my late O date CD17-19, i finally got an O date of CD12-15 which is what my normal used to be prior to both m/c. I'm hoping this means something although I'm not an overall optimistic person I'm more of a realist prepare for the worse hope for the best, I'm hoping that if we time it right maybe just maybe.
But who knows with only one tube my chances are already reduced to 6 months out of the year or so, bummer, i try not to let it get me down but after so many months of(years) of trying being successful only to loose them both and now failing again it has taken a toll on my enthusiasm i just can't hold out hope anymore, like i told Michael yesterday, maybe i should go steal something smoke some crack and do a couple of shots while I'm at it then sign up for food stamps and welfare and any other thing to milk out the government after all it is what it takes to get knocked up right!
i kid i kid i don't want to be any of those things i just us to have a healthy baby who makes it to 40 weeks then comes out kicking and screaming!
well enough rambling that's all for now!

looks like clomid failed again

although AF hasn't shown up yet making me 1 day late i think that based on my temp drop this morning she is right around the corner! the bitch!
I'm really devasted because i thought we couldn't have timed it better than we did and that with 100mg of clomid it would surely do the trick but i was proven yet agin how much my body hates me and won't cooperate.
I have one last chance this cycle Dr. F is consoidering another round of 100mg of clomid possibnly 150mg and then its over if it doesn't work.
I hate that i can't do this for my husband he deserves to know what an amazing journey this can be from the start, he is an amazing father and and i see how he is with his nephew and it tears my heart apart seeing him and not being able to give him one of his own.
Well let's hope another 100-150mg does it because otherwise we have to go back to relying on me and yeah we know how that worked out the first 2 times.
I HATE MY BODY have i said that enough?
i hate my body!