thank you to all the nesties

Hi, I'm Michael, vivians husband. I just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you for your love and support in these trying times. I can't begin to put into words what a pillar of strength you have been for my wife. It's nice to see all the positive intentions that come from you, which I believe will help us have our baby. Again, I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heartfor everything you have done, and know that my thoughts, prayers, and positive intentions are with all of you. With all our love!
Michael

*******************************************
This was a comment from Lata82

Michael - That is such a sweet thing for you to say. But I wanted to let you know that Viv, has been there so much for us too. Right from the beginning she jumped in and wrote encouraging posts for everyone else even with what she was going through. Good Luck with everything, we all wish you the very best!

Now can you do one thing me, call my DH and explain that the nest is a great place for comfort and not "a waste of time"

The roller coaster continues...

Wow where do i even begin. Since Friday afternoon I have been having headaches, more like bone aches in my head that weren't crippling me but were bad enough to be bad. all weekend i had that and come Sunday night we were having dinner and my chest started hurting, like pressure, then it went down my left arm and my left leg, also around my lower left abdomen, it went away but came back with a vengeance, thinking it may be something related to the progesterone i read up on it and found this:
What side effects may I notice from using progesterone? (Back to top)
Side effects that you should report to your prescriber or health care professional as soon as possible:
•breast tenderness or enlargement
•numbness or pain in the arm or leg
•pain in the chest, groin or leg
•severe headache
•stomach pain
•sudden shortness of breath
•unusual weakness or tiredness
•vision or speech problems
•yellowing of skin or eyes

OK then off to the hospital we go, now i am not one to go to a doctor much less a hospital for any small ache,bruise or cut, ii tend to deal with it on my own, but if i say i want to go to the hospital you know its bad. oh and I'm pregnant did i mention that?
We got there and they put me into a room, monitored my heart and sent me for an ultrasound,did BW, the attending doctor who by the way was amazing! was concerned that with a history of a blocked tube and now being pregnant it could be ectopic. We prayed it wasn't and off i went to get the u/s. During the u/s i couldn't bring myself to watch the screen so i prayed the whole time for my baby to be where it should be.
Back in the room we waited for the results, the doctor came in..oh no I know that look... " i have bad news" she says, i immediately knew "Your beat is 263 which means it rising not quite doubling but it is ectopic its in your right tube though, maybe possibly out of the tube all together, we need to call your doctor to do surgery" Holy shit not this again! I knew that the new doctor i was switching to works out of Good sam, so i gave them her name but did explain i haven't met her yet, not a problem we'll contact her. She leaves I break down in Michael's arms, I'm not a bad person why does this keep happening? and why in the right side, that is the only good tube i have left! I'm praying for my baby.
She comes back "hey guess what Dr. B is on call tonight ( what are the chances of that?) she is reviewing your u/s and will call us back to see if she want to do the Laparoscopic surgery or the Methotrexate shot" se leaves again, how on earth am I supposed to kill my own baby? BTW I am 5weeks 2 days. The nurse comes in put the IV and preps me for surgery in case that is the way we go, she also give me pain medication for my chest that won't hurt the baby. I start to pray again, this time for forgiveness.
I guess another 20 minutes go by and the doctor walks in again this time she is smiling, what the hell could she be possibly smiling about " i have some news, Dr. B looked at your u/s and she thinks that what the tech saw was not the gestational sac in your tube, but the corpus luteum, (click on day 13 the egg is what is being "spit out" what is left behind is the corpus luteum) she believes that because you are still so early they may not have seen the baby in the uterus, she wants to continue treating this as a viable pregnancy and for you to continue the progesterone and go in on Tuesday to see her" I had to ask her to repeat it twice, how can i wrap my head around that? "so there is a chance my baby is ok?" "YES"
Thank you Lord!
I couldn't have asked for a better sign that this is the doctor we are meant to be with, We have no doubt had we called our old doctor he would just have prescribed the shot and killed our baby. We got discharged and was allowed to go home. I was now feeling the effects of the meds, dizzy, nauseous, i felt like i was going to pass out, but i made it to the car, and we made it home, and i am now a nervous wreck about tomorrow, i am hoping and praying for the best, but i am also prepared for the worst.
My mother continues to say we WILL have our Christmas baby!
BTW EDD is Nov. 26th

I shall beleive

Those of you that have been with me in the past months know how much I strayed from God's side, having this miracle happening again, changed me, its made me realize just how much I need him.

God if you can hear me, this is for you.


it's the song not the video just in case you were wondering.

Stick bean stick!

So I started the progesterone supplements last night, wasn't as bad as i though it would be, no leakage, no messy application, although Michael was nervous, he wants to be apart of everything now and I honestly don't blame him.
This is the medication i am currently on. It's called Prochieve. I was instructed to take it at night. Not too many side effects listed except drowsiness and oh yeah drinking intensifies the feeling...uhm call me crazy but i though pregnancy meant no drinking, if that changed please someone tell me i would love a dirty martini!
Like I said yesterday this stuff doesn't come cheap, our insurance (which sucks and is another story to be told) doesn't cover it apparently so its $278 at CVS, if I need to keep taking this up until the 12th week of pregnancy I will try to see if Walmart sells it since their prices tend to cheaper. IE. clomid (read: 10 pills at CVS $120 at walmart $18) yeah see why I want walmart!
Anyway, i am still really worried about my numbers and googled some more research, me and my neurotic mind started thinking maybe I should be a stronger dose, i found a site with a promising story. Pregnancy-info gives you, well pregnancy info, and they like the nest have forums where you can post questions and other women will tell you their experiences and hopefully some answers. One woman posted this : Hi all, I am in my 5th week. My HCG today: 1126 and exactly a week ago it was 103, so I am very excited about it. but my progesterone level is at 11.3 at 5th week. doc said it is low and is starting me on Progesterone suppository from tomorrow. I read over the net that it is very imp and low is not a good sign.

Kinda like where I am, what gave me piece of mind was the first response she got : i am also a little over 5 weeks pregnant. Here is what I can tell you. On Feb. 7 i got my blood tests and the results were 176 for my HCG levels and my progesterone levels were 8.88. My doctor put me on the progesterone suppositories the evening of my blood test. She said to take one vaginally each night. Then again this friday Feb. 10, i got my levels checked again. My HCG level went up to 868 and my progesterone went up to 18.88. My doctor advised me to keep taking the supplements until my next visit.

Now you may be wondering why this gave me piece of mind, well this woman went on to deliver a very healthy baby girl born via c-section at 32 wks. 3 days.
This gives me hope, remember my numbers are HCG 194 progesterone 7.8
I am praying so much that on Tuesday when i go back for another blood draw that my number is just where it should be!
Pray for us and our little bean please!

2nd Betas are in

I got the call i was anticipating all day from Kathy, the nurse at my current OB's office, she said " i can't give you a definite answer the numbers did double but the progesterone went down, so come back on Tuesday for repeat blood work Ok" click
Now i am in the kitchen processing this all and i post on the nest, the girls all tell me what i am already thinking, why not give me supplements NOW instead of waiting till Tuesday?
I call back and finally get Kathy again, she tells me they don't think its a good idea to do that, why? well the numbers didn't double, well what ARE my numbers, she tells me, i say well its almost a double only the progesterone went down. I wan to give this a fighting chance and if i wait till Tuesday i am not doing that am i?
she puts me on hold comes back and says she will call the CVS and fill the progesterone for me. gee thanks!
Now besides not knowing anything which is royally ticking me off, why didn't the doctor just do this whole thing in the first place? why did i have to call and ask for it. I understand Kathy not saying anything for covering her own back or if this turns out to be just a chemical pregnancy, but still! Ugh whatever i am leaving them anyway!
So basically he re is the deal:
well the numbers didn't exactly double but they were very close. on Wednesday my numbers were:
HCG 105
Progesterone 9.6

Today's draw
HCG 194
Prgesterone 7.8

here is the problem though,
What is progesterone?

Progesterone is a hormone produced by the ovaries that helps prepare the uterus for pregnancy. It is first produced by the corpus luteum in the ovaries and later is maintained by the placenta.
Progesterone during pregnancy
First Trimester 9-47 ng/ml
Second Trimester 17-147 ng/ml
Third Trimester 55-200 ng/ml

Most doctors like to see a minimum level of 10 ng/ml during the first few weeks of pregnancy. If a woman has low progesterone levels this can be an indication of a threatened miscarriage.

So as you can see 7.8 isn't a great number and hopefully the supplements ...which may i add are so not cheap $278 for 18 pre-filled applicators...yup i get to shoot up every night..nope not the injectable kind..use your head! lol
So now we wait till Tuesday to hopefully see this last number rise to where it should be and get this baby going.
Please say a prayer for us!

So basically as to quote what one out of six has in her blog:
I have learned so much from this process – but perhaps the most important thing I’ve learned is BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE. Ask questions. Do your own research. Do not just mildly follow everything your RE tells you to do. Yes, you want a doctor you can trust – but remember – they have hundreds and hundreds of other patients. You are the only one who is 100 percent solely concerned with YOU … so trust yourself. Follow your instincts, and trust your gut.

throwing a pitty party for one!

This morning I was so anxious to speak to Kathy and get results from my BW yesterday, she said she would call me by 2, i called her at 11:30 and she said "it's either really early on, or its residual HCG from the previous pregnancy, come in at 9am tomorrow to draw more blood and I'll let you know by 4pm."
Call me crazy but I've never been the optimistic type, I like to consider myself...realistic, i hope for the best but always prepare for the worst. Tack on to that that i am a planner by nature, i mean i make itineraries of what my itinerary should be! I made a spreadsheet for our Disney vacation! VACATION PEOPLE!!!!!
Anyway i totally forgot to ask her what the first beta # was so couldn't tell ya, but I'll find out tomorrow.
I tried to find some comfort with the PL girls and one suggested i take the other FRER to compare if the line was getting darker...its not take a look:

the old test (2 nights ago) is on the top, tonight's is on the bottom
It seems lighter to me which I guess means this was residual after all, I'm sure they'll confirm tomorrow,
right now i am only curious to know if FRER get darker after sitting for a while (2 nights) and if the amount of urine that is used makes a difference in how dark the line would be ( i didn't have too much for this last test),
still I am holding on to a sliver of hope like pertilocka said "Stop driving yourself crazy. Those are only home pg tests. each test is not exactly the same. If you keep doing this it will drive you nuts. sticky baby dust to you and try to relax as much as you can"
and
april2005 said "Try not to stress! A line is a line, right? Mine got very dark a week later, so I wouldn't expect that you would see much difference within a day or so. The difference could depend on lots of things, like when you took the test, how concentrated the urine was, etc. Just try to relax until you can get bloodwork done. Good luck! :) "

I wanted to believe that my body would bounce back after the D&C, that AF would just show up, late but she would show within reasonable time frame no more than 40 days, i would start clomid and get pg shortly thereafter...now i am not so sure
Man i really tried being positive about this and praying that it was true, but seeing that lighter line on the FRER tonight just crushed me, secretly i was already planning and how great Christmas would be this year.
I have tears rolling down my face on how devastated i feel, i know nothing is certain yet and i won't know till tomorrow, but it just so happens tomorrow is also 6 weeks since my d&c and it just bring back so many bitter memories and emotions.
I thought I was getting better, now I'm just at a low point again.
why did i have to POAS, stupid FF telling me to test, i should have just left sleeping dogs to lie.
The worst part about this even if i wasn't pregnant again I can't help feeling like i keep letting Michael down, his smile was ear to ear this morning as he kissed me goodbye and patted my belly. It crushes me to no end to not be able to give him the 1 thing he desires, the one thing any man wants...a chance to make and see life grow.
now i am just pissed that its been almost 6 weeks and my farking body isn't mine anymore! I have to filled prescription of clomid staring mockingly at me, almost laughing like haha you can't use us!
I am just so devastated!

the waiting continues...

I was ale to talk to Kathy at my doctor's office this morning and she had me come in right away to get bloodwork done, she also had me see the doctor, who ended up giving me a pap as well since my last was in Aug. I asked him what are thechance that this BFP may just be residual from the last pregnancy and that some levels may still be detected, he said since i already had a negative before it's not likely.
Still i am waiting on the beta # and progsterone levels to officially confirm this!
I have to go get another orund of BW on friday so it will be a ong weekend to put it mildly.
I did find this though so at least i have something to compare to:

Progesterone is a hormone that helps prepare the endometrium, the lining of the uterus, for the arrival and implantation of an embryo.

Progesterone Levels in Pregnancy:

Non pregnant Females:
Follicular phase 0.2 - 1.4 ng/mL
Luteal phase 3.3 - 25.0 ng/mL
Mid-luteal phase 4.4 - 28.0 ng/mL
Postmenopausal less than 0.7 ng/mL
Pregnant
1st trimester 11.2 - 90.0 ng/mL
2nd trimester 25.6 - 89.4 ng/mL
3rd trimester 48.4 - 422.5 ng/mL

And the Beta (HGC levels)

Beta Scores for Successful* Single Pregnancies
DPO AVER# LOW# HIGH#
10 16 3 245
11 23 2 152
12 36 2 208
13 62 4 575
14 101 3 2088
15 136 3 2088
16 197 5 2744
17 289 5 4591
18 397 7 6234
19 599 16 9949
20 840 29 10000
21 1206 41 16224
22 1663 58 19861
23 2290 17 22500
24 3326 144 28000
25 4285 218 36984
26 5504 290 36924
27 6963 351 41625
28 9209 429 58500
29 11520 440 73973
30 14975 539 131472

That being said please keep us in your prayers so our number keep doubling and make this a viable real 3rd pregnancy!

God can you hear me?

oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now
there were times when i was crying
from the dark of daniel's den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now

oh, great god, be close enough to feel you now
there have been moments when i could not
face goliath on my own
and how could i forget we've marched around
our share of jerichos
but i will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright
oh great god, be close enough to feel you now

all praise and all honor be
to the god of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn
the pages of our history
but tonight my heart is heavy
and i cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"

and i know you could leave writing on the wall
thats just for me
or send wisdom while i'm sleeping,
like in soloman's sweet dreams
but i don't need the strength of samson
or a chariot in the end
just want to know that you still know how many hairs
are on my head
oh great god, be small enough to hear me now

SHOCK!!!!

Wow so i am still waiting on AF as some of you may know, well awhile back on the PL board a post came up about a bad batch of $ tree HPT (home pregnancy test) and i had them...lucky me. tonight i decided i wanted to, no I needed to pee on something so i went in and tokk my last $tree test, not 5 seconds later the line showed up and it was dark

What no these things are defcetive! Meanwhile my husband is sitting here with a smile that could wrap around his head twice! I had to prove him wrong! so i went with him to stop and shop to get myself a more reliable tets(ie digital way more expensive test) stop and shop only had EPT and the girls only swear by FRER or CBE, so we went to pathmark and got the FRER (first response early response)got home and sat on the couch telling myself i wasn't...he is still smirking grabs a beer and says "go test babe"
off to the potty i go and 3 minutes later

HOLY SHIT I AM PREGNANT!
At this point i am shaking sitting on the toilet just shaking, he comes in and says "ha I knew it" sits on the floor and hugs me, by now i am bawling!
I can't beging to tell you how scared out of my head i am right now! That is actually and understatement. I terrified!
I now have a million questions in my head!
i kept testing after the D&C until i got a bfn to make sure my levels were low
how do i know if the were ever really low?
is this residual hcg from the last pregnancy?
how do i know if this is real?
how the hell far along am i?
will my dumb ass doctor run betas?
can he do it tomorrow?
did i really O when FF says i did?
would that put me at just over 1 month?
how do i enjoy this w/o questioning every cramp,burp,fart,headache,boob twitch ect?
How do i apologize to God and thank him for letting me do this again?
1

I LOVE frugal-fashionista !!!!!!

So I was reading blogs last night & clicked on a link frugal-fashionista

Oh.my.gosh. I just died and walked into heaven! What a great blog! I'm addicted. It's a site that lets you to find simliar clothes that the celebs wear but without the high price tag. The best part...on the right side it lists all the celeb names. So you can shop by celeb style ie: Jessica Simpson, Blake Lively, Jennifer Aniston & Reese Witherspoon). This is definitely a blog that I will be checking out daily!!!
ENJOY SHOPPING!!!!

tagged...

The rules are as follows:

1. Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.


2. Post these rules on your blog.
Done

3. List seven random and/or weird facts about yourself.


I hate the thought of eating mushrooms, but if I don't know they are in there i won't be able to tell!

I refuse to put on mascara unless I curl my lashes first.

I like powdered milk...but from Costa Rica only.

I love cooking.

I'm very stubborn and indecisive.

I cannot whistle.

I snort when I laugh really hard.

4. Tag four random people from your favorite blogs and let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog.

Just a vent about friends!

Or those that like to call themselves that.
I have a friend who is only around when covenient for them. i'll call her/him Max
anyway, max never calls, never writes, never comes by. Max knew about Michael and I loosing our baby, and to clarify that i wasn't expecting flowers or candy or anything for that matter, i didn't even get an email saying "hey i'm here" nothing!
i let it slide, max isn't the type of person to call anyway, but what really threw me over the edge was the constan emails about max's child's daily progress.
Not for nothing and yes i will be a bitch here, because i think i am allowed at this stage, so max:
I DON'T GIVE A FLYING SHIT IF YOUR CHILD KNOWS HOW TO PICK UP A SPOON TODAY, I JUST LOST MY BABY!!!!!!!

Ok i feel better, well not really but have some brains to know i don't want to see that stuff not right now! this is just on top of other things that max has done that I vent to Michael about and he blows it off...whatever its just enough is enough!
and no i haven't said anything to Max because right now I can't deal with it nor do I really want to!

AF this is for you!

I first met my Aunt Flo at the age of thirteen. I'd heard rumors about her...my mother's explicite and detailed attempt to explain who she was, after I'd asked about the content of the Kotex boxes in my parents' closet. I figured, at the time, that she wasn't someone I really cared to meet anyway.

But then one day I was at my gradmmother's house and had been feeling "strange" all mornjning, i though it was something i had eaten, so i headed to the bathroom and came out pale as a ghost, straight to my mother i went and told her what was going on.She proceeded to tell the whole house, full of family might i add wthat i was a "woman" and out came the champagne to celbrate such joyous moment. i wanted to die!
So that's how I got to know Aunt Flo. And yet, after this most unpromising introduction, her visits soon became run-of-the-mill. I insisted on purchasing tampons (thank you,Teen magazine) despite my mother's skepticism ("I could never use those..."), which diminished the ick factor quite a bit; and I started learning the rhythms of her visits: things like her punctuality; her tendency to show at night, and her quirks, like cramps only every other month. And soon I'd gotten to the point of being able to discuss Aunt Flo with my peers, and discover that most of us were all experiencing the same things. We spoke knowingly of being "on the rag," swapping war stories and Midol.

These days Aunt Flo is well MIA she just kind of knocked at my door, bags in hand: Maybe I'll just go to a motel this time, honey. And -- I kind of miss her. I mean, I know she can be messy and inconvenient, and I've often treated her like the crazy relative we all try to avoid sitting next to at holiday dinners...but we have a history, Aunt Flo and I. And it actually makes me a little sad when she doesn't show up. I'm anxious that one day she'll leave and not come back; that she'll find herself a nice little condo in Florida and stay there. I -- I'm not ready for that. Not yet.

So, Aunt Flo, if you're reading this -- I have a snuggly afghan and a cup of tea waiting for you. Potato chips. Chocolate. Advil and a heating pad, even, if you're in an owly mood. Seriously -- I want you to come over. Don't be a stranger. I need you to come back so i can get on with my life.

a simple gesture

My hand settles on my stomach for no reason
It wasn't long ago that the gesture made me smile
Knowledge that it lay atop a child that was created with love

Now the gesture only brings tears to my eyes
For our child, we've been told, no longer grows within
A loss so sudden and without warning

Little things like this happen now and again
Since the day we heart the heartbreaking news
Hopes and dreams shattered in an instant

Shattered things can be put back together with time
But the cause is never forgotten even when things have healed
We may move on but never will it leave our minds


Tears of happiness, the day our dreams and hopes became more.
Tears of sadness, the day they were taken away suddenly.
Tears of remembrance, now and then for all that could have been.
Tears of acceptance, when we feel the time is right to try again.
Tears of a Mother who lost a child she never got to know.


By: Holly R. Schultz

it's been almost a month...

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one who died you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further,
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine."
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.
Author~Elizabeth Dent

My Mom is a Survivor...

"My Mom is a Survivor"

My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom,
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see
tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her...
or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...
and show her that you care.

For no matter what she says...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.

By Kaye Des'Ormeaux

The psychic's predictions are in:

A couple of weeks ago, there was a post on the PL board over at the nest
about a psychic who would do readings online, she only need a photo of you, anyway i paid the $12 i figured what the hell. (BTW "they" refers to the tarot cards she uses)
here are my questions and here response to them:

1. Will my husband and I get pregnant again and be able to have a healthy baby. I have a concern I may be the problem..

they show by MAY of this year you will be pregnant with a healthy baby.

2. why did I loose our baby? meaning was it something I did or was it just nature doing its thing?

I'm getting it to be a hormonal cause. Did the doctors have anything to say about this?


Soooo whatdaya think? doctors, haven't said anything about me having a hormonal issue, but one of the girls on the PL board suggested she might mean like progesterone levels. When I see my new doctor I will ask to get a P4 test to check this out and when i get pregnant again i'll have them check this one again.
I finally decided on 2 doctors, one was my mom's old doctor, I have my appt with him on Apr 7th, the other is a doctor that was higly recommend by another girl and my appt with her is june 6th, i want to be able to meet them both and then decide which one i feel more comfortable with and then go from there, provided I don't get pregnant by then. If i do well then i guess i'll have to pick one!

PNV again, trying to find new Doc...

I finally brought myself to re-fill my prescription today for the prenatal vitamins the doctor had told me to keep taking. as a side note the pharmacist says to me " do you know how take this because you haven't filled them in a month and the baby needs them and..." i cut her off and told her i had lost the baby. she looked at me blankly mumbled an apology and rang me up. I grab the bag and walk out feeling even more pissed off at my body than i already am. I sat in the car thinking that the last time i had these stupid PNV i had my baby. I think i was on strike with the vitamins after we lost the baby, it was my way at getting back at my body for not keeping the baby alive. well it kicked my ass right back and i got really sick...actually i have Michael to thank for that but regardless i got sick, still am, very stuffy and i feel like i am walking in a cloud except i don't know if it from being sick or from still being numb.
I miss being pregnant.
I am also in the process of trying to find a doctor who actually gives a shit! Dr. F was great very cut and dry but still sympathetic. his partner Dr. D not so much, my mom didn't like him, neither did Michael, and his comment on the post opt. just left me well unhappy and pissed to say the least.
I have to doctors one was my mom's old Doc and another was a recommendation from a girl i met through the nest, now i have to decide if i want to travel to teaneck NJ or Pomona NY, assuming the NJ doctor works out of Hackensack hospital i have to take into consideration that if i were to get pregnant again, when i go into labor hackensack depending on the time of day can be an hour drive from home, but i am usually in nj during the day anyway, on the other hand the NY doctor works out of Good sam so its easy for us to get to (ie michael) if it were to happen during the day not so great for me, me being the planner i am, hate not knowing anything about my body right now.
I want to be blissfully ignorant again and not worry about all this. those days unfortunately are long gone!
Oh forgot to post i took a pregnancy test and it was negative, which means all the hcg levels are gone so (crossing fingers) my body will go back to normal and we can TTC again real soon, and so i can start clomid! which BTW i find very funny the price diff for this drug: CVS $130 shoprite $38 Walmart $18 uhm i think i'll take the 20 min drive and go to walmart!
that's it for now, i gotta go play housewife and cook dinner!

ugly pair of shoes

i saw this on the Pregnanycy loss board and thought it was so powerful i had to post it here!


"An Ugly Pair of Shoes"
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the other one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have work the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger women.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author Unknown